Advice am I an enabler ?

by JC

My boyfriend of almost 2years used to be a heroin addict, well I say used to he has recently relapsed. He used to be so kind and loving now he is so cold and distant, he runs away from me for days switches his phone off and hides, he tells lies when he used to tell me everything we were so close.

When he comes back we have a good talk he says he is sorry and he loves me more than anything, he deletes the numbers then stays in for a few days, I believe him and think everything going to be ok, then without warning he will go the shop and not come back or not come home from work. He has even said he is going the toilet and has run out the back door. I'll ring and ring and look for him then when I find him he will be sorry again and the cycle repeats itself.

He knows he is hurting me and his family but he still chooses to do this, I don't understand, he has lost a lot of weight and is now even failing work which he never did. I don't know what to do next he is going to lose everything his Nan is going to throw him out because she can't cope with all the worry of not knowing where he is.

I will tell you a bit about myself now, I don't know my biological dad I have never met him I don't even know his name, my dad that brought me up was my hero he looked after me and my mum and was big and strong, my mum was with him since I was 6/7. I am the kind of person that worries a lot I take on board other peoples problems and try to help them often ignoring myself, I take care of my appearance and worry what people think of me, I have a lot of friends and am quite sociable.

At the moment tho I am not being that person because I can't stop thinking about my boyfriend, looking for him, checking to see if he's called, ringing his family as they are worried also it's encompassing all my thoughts so I am not interested in socializing.

I realize I am under a lot of stress and am not eating or sleeping well. My boyfriends real dad was also a heroin addict he didn't really know him growing up, met him a few times and used to run away when he came to collect him if he turned up at all. He knows his mum but she says he has never really told her much and she has never seen him cry or show feelings? He often cries and shows feelings to me and she was surprised at this I think he has always bottled things up? He has pretty much always lived with his Nan, his mums mum, and he is her blue eyed boy, he can't do a thing wrong and it's always someone else fault, although just recently she is reaching the end of her tether with him and is threatening to chuck him out.

Where we are at the moment is he is on one of his benders, this time I have refused to look for him I have not tried to call I just sent one text saying I can't put up with this hurt anymore I hope he gets help and I love him but goodbye. His family have been trying to contact him but he is running away from them he only really listens to me but just lately he has stopped doing that, he is going to lose everything, and no one wants that but I can't chase him again to try and talk some sense in to him only for him to go off on one again in a week or two. But on the other hand I don't want to give up on him I love him so much.

Any advice would be appreciated? Thanks x

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Sep 27, 2011
sounded familiar..
by: Anonymous

This sounded familiar to me.. Im sorry for what you are going through ..but you are not alone.. My boyfriend is an alcoholic who is scary weird and mean.. like evil.. when he drinks.. Its been three years and he has relapsed each year.. this year i live with him though and we were doing so good before he went out and gambled and then avoided me and went drinking.. that even though it was horrible.. It took me less time.. like 2 weeks and even though he pays the bills at the moment i screamed at him and told him he couldnt come home.. he had to detox or he could not come home.. at first he went out and seemed to be gone.. but it only took a couple few nights in the fall air to burn all his other bridges/welcomes.. and want to get back into our warm house.. he went to detox and has been back to his nicer self.. seems to care about me.. its like he has alcohol induced narcissism .. When he was drunk he would have said or even done almost anything.. but now hes detoxed and after a week seems like hes happy to be home.. My dad is an alcoholic too.. My mom was very loving although codependent.. I was going to leave him this time but there seems to be progress.. like the first year was off the wagon for 4 or 5 mo's and this year only 2 weeks.. w no one to keep him warm at night or i guess enabling him and knowing how good he had it when hes sober probably helped.. but.. not sure if i deserve this.. but i love him.. I like to be classy and clean and peaceful and artistic.. healthy.. but i dont quite feel like myself.. cant feel safe.. not sure how i can live off so little satisfaction for so long.. not sure if i will make it work w him or not.. he has a good family but they are wealthy and sometimes i feel like my problems w him are not their problem.. though theyve been more supportive and communicative lately.. hes 33 though and.. im 34.. i have no kids yet.. just feels like my life is bad.. like bad things keep happening to me. weather i get really sick or loose a baby or .. get disrespected by the dr. or.. boss.. anyway.. not sure if you should break up w him or not.. but you deserve to be happy and have a good life.. I want to do better for myself.. i hope you get happy .. sorry so long.. not sure if it will help.. xo love

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