Adult Son Who Molested Our Grandchild

My 40-year-old son has pretty much lived with my husband and I for his entire adult life (left a few times but not more than a total of 3 years since graduating high school). At 34 he had a daughter with a drug-addicted woman who ended up giving him custody. He and our granddaughter shared our house. We paid for all her expenses as well. Any time we had a conflict with him (mostly about responsibilities, getting a job, etc.) he would threaten to find a place and become volatile and of course, he was never at fault. We always caved in for her sake. Six months ago our granddaughter confided in me that he had molested her. We had no other choice but to go to the authorities. We now have custody of her and he is legally not allowed to be around her until she reaches adulthood.

(from the moment she told us and Child Services notified him, he has never spoken with us again - he was notified by Child Services to leave the residence and we have had no contact)

I know it was the correct decision, however, I have so much anxiety and anguish knowing our son is most likely homeless and has nothing. We both accept that we enabled his behaviour and that it was not a health dynamic. My marriage is suffering and we need to be able to support each other emotionally, but I am really torn and constantly thinking of him. How do I get past missing him? I am grieving the loss and I know I shouldn't be.

I went to a therapist for a few months but she could not give me the answer.

We are in our mid-sixties.


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Jul 23, 2018
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fear or love?
by: Maria

As a recovered molested child, with a lot of therapy, I suggest that parents are either misinformed or afraid to face reality. No wonder mother is in such a predicament.

A person who commits incest is a person who needs help, not ostracism. If parents think that evil exists, they are to think twice. This man has a personality problem at best, and needs the right therapist. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. This young man has all the signs of some kind of disorder. Children are born as a tabula rasa, they are pure and innocent. The lack of "secure attachment" (read Bowlby and his incredible theory)can create mental disorders impossible to change. A sick mother, a mother who couldn't breast feed, an anxious mother, an overzealous mother, a mentally-ill mother... can CREATE the conditions for the infant to be a failure in life, and could even have been molested himself at school, etc.

It's very hard to accept a flawed child, but getting rid of him because he does something regrettable and perhaps criminal, in my book, is the wrong thing to do. You all need therapy, individually and as a family, particularly the child and the father.

In reality, in a macro way, incest is not an abnormality in the animal world, including humans. That's why we created a taboo, to control the impulse to mate with a member of the social group. Of course, Freud talked about this ad nauseum. People learn to contain themselves by following the taboo, the rules, but some follow the instinct. This I studied in anthropology class, and you can research it.

This is a sick son who is kicked out of home because mother wanted a perfect son. Who is sicker? The child needs immediate therapy by the RIGHT therapist. The rest can live with their conscience.

I forgave my abuser, but it took 40 years of therapy.

Jul 19, 2018
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Grief Process
by: Don Carter

Grieving is not a selective process. In other words, we don't have the choice and must go through it (or try to escape with an addictive behavior such as using drugs or drinking alcohol - which is like pouring gas on a fire)

At a minimum, you are grieving the loss of your inner-family-photo-album of "how things were supposed to be." I am sure others on here can relate.

It usually takes a few years to complete the grief process. This can be speeded up with the proper emotional support - so reaching out here is a great start. Acceptance is the final stage and that doesn't mean you won't care anymore. It just means it won't hurt as much.

Sorry for your loss and heartache,
Don

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