Adult child of an Alcoholic holding it together - then I burst
(Tempe, AZ, USA)
Wow i have to say this site has given me so much more information to what happened in my childhood. Picture this; Father goes to WWII, loses control in battle too long. kills fellow soldiers. placed in an "insane asylum in France for 1 -2 years.
I think he had what we now call PTSD. Anyway he sent home, my mother told me " He looked like he had Parkinson's disease. Was placed on 100% disability. mom has 3 children. When dad returned in this state of mind he looked at the first born and said " I didn't want any BOYS'. Fast forward 2nd child is a girl, Dad starts drinking but no big deal YET!!! he is happy with Child number 2!! Apple of his eye, places her on PEDESTAL", then comes child 3# female (me). Dad is full blown every - day drinking. Mother defends his abusive rants, calling my mother and myself IDIOT,stupid,prostitute,accusations abound. Then I don't understand what all this is about... I'm 6 years old. Until my mother says " oh Pam ignore this behavior he's sick DON'T ANSWER HIM, HE HAS shell shock from the war". Just listen don't say anything.
All of the fighting, arguing, drinking becomes more frequent, heavier, incoherent talk, mixes the alcohol with medications the VA psychiatrist gives him. Heavy tranquilizers is what Mom says. Pretty soon I'm 8. My siblings leave home get married go on with life and I'm stuck with this violent, racially charged lunatic because my Mother worked. I'm told "If you find him passed out DON'T CALL THE PARAMEDICS, he is there BOSS. Dad is a firefighter and moves up the ranks to captain by the time I'm ten. He comes homes early in the mornings starts drinking and by 8 am is fully out of it!!! I'm not sure why or who this man is??? I'm told wonderful, loving, sweet, kind but I see 2 people in this Dad..... find him flat - out on the floor passed -out not breathing... what do I do? I cannot call the fire department I'll get in trouble he'll fly into a rage again. he has already done it so any times once broke my Mothers ribs.
oh my GO I'm scared.... I can't talk about it. My sister doesn't believe it, brother is an alcoholic to now I have no one.
Best thing to do when he is screaming HIDE, RUN INTO the woods, build SNOW forts no one will find me. did this throughout a very traumatic child hood. Bursts of anger,confusion, the child turned into an ADULT no toys or fun fun emotionally tortured not sure what being a child is???? Now I'm 61 years old and all this torment is eating me up!
I'm broken, so much has happened almost died had multiple trauma, Dad dropped dead day I graduated from high School. mother shaped me into what she thought was best always the enabler rescuer. Now I have many issues. Relationships neurological disorder. I can't seem to HOLD it together. Lash -out, life is so unfair why why why.