I am feeling very emotional, I realize I am mostly an internalizer, so that means I keep things to myself, but I am in emotional pain, and it has been frozen and I think it is thawing because my dad, who is an alcoholic, and not even around much, just died. I have not been able to have healthy relationships, I see it is probably the figure eight syndrome. That all is becoming clear, because each man I have been involved with have been addicts of one kind or another, but especially emotionally unavailable, just like my dad. So in alot of pain and feelings of abandonment and want to heal. This needs to go, I feel that I can't move forward. I have had trouble forgiving them, though I have tried, as each one has hurt me, but of course I see now that I was an enabler, and allowed them to treat me badly and did not set the limits or boundaries that I needed to and in fact did not know how to do it. I do know now how to do it but not really trust anyone; I have been hurt so much. But still want a healthy relationship one day and am getting the tools, but have not seen the role model or known how to do what I want. I hope I can use the tools that are available, to one day have this, it is a true desire. Right now though I am raw, up and down all over the place with my emotions. But I guess I can say there are worse things than feeling, it is not feeling, being numb, which I have been too, in fact I think I have alot of frozen feelings that need to defrost now. So I will just let myself feel them, and then let them go. The pain is raw and so it definitely needs to be healed at this time. And I thank God I am in a recovery program. I still find it hard to find people to talk to these things about, as on the surface I look like everything is together, but really it is not. I do believe in God and know that he is helping me and I am grateful for this. I'm glad all this information is here, because I relate to it, and it helps me believe I can heal. I think what is happening is the grieving process and unresolved grief is combining to defrost all the past pain.
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