abandonment issues still a problem as an adult

by Lynn
(Detroit, MI, USA)

I thought I was getting over my abandonment issues, but at lease several times a year they seem to come up and when it does it is awlful.

I panic and it takes an emotional toll on me. I am 55 years old. I am sure it hurt my first marriage but ironically I divorced him and he was a pretty decent guy. I just never believed he truly loved me. Now looking back I think he really did.

Now I am engaged and when we have an arguement I am the first to want to break up. Yet if he mentions breaking up I fall apart.

I also feel that my sons don't really love me.

My mother got pregnant with me at age 15 and I don't know my real father. My step father was abusive both sexually and physically. So I know where this all stems from. I also realize now that my mother did not protect me. She has passed away now and I miss her. She tried to committ suicide several times so there are many sources of my fear for abandonment, but i just wish I could beat it. I do see a counselor and real all the self help books. Yet I hate the anxiety and fear it grips over me.

No one understands, not even my fiance. My grown sons don't even want to hear about it. So I am pretty much alone with no family support.

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Sep 04, 2012
To Lynn
by: Anonymous

Thanks for sharing your experience with us. It is at these times, when the people who are closest to us, (who do not understand what we are going through) that we keep pushing forward and not give up.
There ARE people out there who do understand and can offere support and guidance. It is our job to seek them out, develop friendships and a support system.
In my entire family no one is in recovery (I have addiction/alcoholism issues, abandonment issues and I am a parent of an addict- so I attend three different types of meetings.) I can't really talk to them about these things becasue they just don't understand or they think I am trying to be self righteous.
So I have created a new family...in AA, ACDF and FA. These people truly understand me, support me and I also have developed some close friendships with some of the people in these groups.
I am free to now have relationships with members of my family without any expectations of them meeting any of my needs. I also have VERY strong and firm boundaries with them. I do not get sucked into to doing things I am not comfortable with.
There is a lot of good information on this site to continue your journey of healing and I hope you continue to explore the information. I also encourage you to research the area you (and online) about various support groups. They are a life saver.
Good luck! Angie Carter

Sep 03, 2012
by: Anonymous

I can understand and empathize with your childhood pain. It must have been so difficult and painful for you. No child should have to endure what you did emotionally , physically or spiritually. It makes absolute sense that you felt abandoned and betrayed. Your sons however, even though they are grown, are not supposed to be your confidants. There are still boundaries in place, even when our children are grown. You need to find a therapist and/or a good trustworthy friend to talk to.

It sounds like you are abandoning yourself now more than anyone is abandoning you in the present. You can learn to have compassion for yourself and that little girl you once were who was so hurt and vulnerable. There is a way to heal this. Try an online community called innerbonding or read any of Margaret Paul's books. They helped me greatly. I wish you the very best. I hoped this helped a bit. Many blessings.

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