Abandonment Issues over ex-boyfriend
I just broke up with a guy who I originally said I forgave for playing head games prior to us getting together. We had been together 2 1/2 years ago and back then, I liked him more than any guy I had ever been with but he was unavailable physically and emotionally. So when we got back in contact with each other recently, I didn't think it would be to get back together but he said how much he realized I meant to him and that he was not available and he didn't bring me around his place etc. etc.
Now he's ready for a relationship and he'd like to give us a chance but if I want to be just friends that's okay too--he could do that. I said due to my own issues I saw from a relationship I had after him, I need to just have friends right now. But I tempted myself and the next day I said, okay let's give it a go.
I had liked him a lot a few years ago and the thought that it could work out now, was like a dream come true. But after I told him that, he became "busy" for the next few days and I got that old familiar feeling that he was giving me the run around and I didn't know why. I began to feel guilty and blamed myself for maybe coming on too strong and he got scared.
Well, within a few days he emailed me to tell me he needed to think about what he had to do because he didn't expect me to say yes so suddenly and he had been seeing a girl but nothing serious and he needed the time to end it with her before being with me.
I was angry. I told him that. I asked him why he didn't just be upfront with me from the beginning, and how could he--second time around--come back and pull the same stuff he did the last time--giving me the run around and playing head games with me.
He asked if we could just wipe the slate clean from that day forward and begin with just us. He realized he messed with the trust I had for him and he would do whatever it took to make me feel better in the future if he had to talk to me so I feel better whatever.
So I said okay. But within a day or two, I told him I couldn't. I had not gotten over my ex with emotional abusive stuff and I just didn't have it in me to start something with him. Then after a few days of saying we can just be friends I found myself flirting with him, and sending mixed messages so, I decided put your feet in, maybe you are just afraid on being close to him etc.
But I didn't realize I was getting more and more anxious and I kept repeating in my head how things started and I'd feel angry for what he did and then I would try to forget it and he was feeling it from me. Push and pull, push and pull and that was happening within me too. So we got together and he was saying how he feels it's just not working, maybe too much has happened, maybe he brings out the worst in me, maybe there is someone better for me out there etc. and I started to cry uncontrollably as I did so often as a child and with every other guy I had been with.
The next day I was thinking of the words I used and what I was actually saying while I was crying and I was trying to convince him I'm a good person and I was trying to convince him how much I liked him, and I was feeling so out of control. He said, let's think about it for the next few days and decide if next week we want to go out and just be ourselves, have fun and forget about all that's happened.
I went home and thought that he gave all reasons to leave so I decided to just email him and say goodbye. He said I see you made your mind up and then I grasped and told him not really and I began to recycle our past out loud to him again and how things happened etc.
So NOW=--(is your head spinning or not at this point) we said we'd just be friends. I said I don't like how I acted within all this, I don't know what's going on inside me when I get uncontrollable crying like I do, I feel the push pull and I don't know what I want or how I feel or what's tolerable from someone else etc. etc.
My father was a drinker, untrustworthy, not home alot and lied about his whereabouts when he did come home, emotionally abusive to me and he and my mom fought alot. I was so busy as a child watching them, hiding from things as best I could, and being on the lookout for what happens next seen as my father would come home and at least one of us would be his victim for the night.
I know I don't belong with anybody right now. I don't know why I want to hang onto men as friends even after they something unacceptable to me and some days I think it's not that bad.
How do I begin to deal with myself and whatever is driving me subconsciously? How do I start--I do see a therapist--and what do I do to release emotions and to feel and trust myself and whatever else.