Abandonment Issues over ex-boyfriend

I just broke up with a guy who I originally said I forgave for playing head games prior to us getting together. We had been together 2 1/2 years ago and back then, I liked him more than any guy I had ever been with but he was unavailable physically and emotionally. So when we got back in contact with each other recently, I didn't think it would be to get back together but he said how much he realized I meant to him and that he was not available and he didn't bring me around his place etc. etc.

Now he's ready for a relationship and he'd like to give us a chance but if I want to be just friends that's okay too--he could do that. I said due to my own issues I saw from a relationship I had after him, I need to just have friends right now. But I tempted myself and the next day I said, okay let's give it a go.

I had liked him a lot a few years ago and the thought that it could work out now, was like a dream come true. But after I told him that, he became "busy" for the next few days and I got that old familiar feeling that he was giving me the run around and I didn't know why. I began to feel guilty and blamed myself for maybe coming on too strong and he got scared.

Well, within a few days he emailed me to tell me he needed to think about what he had to do because he didn't expect me to say yes so suddenly and he had been seeing a girl but nothing serious and he needed the time to end it with her before being with me.

I was angry. I told him that. I asked him why he didn't just be upfront with me from the beginning, and how could he--second time around--come back and pull the same stuff he did the last time--giving me the run around and playing head games with me.

He asked if we could just wipe the slate clean from that day forward and begin with just us. He realized he messed with the trust I had for him and he would do whatever it took to make me feel better in the future if he had to talk to me so I feel better whatever.

So I said okay. But within a day or two, I told him I couldn't. I had not gotten over my ex with emotional abusive stuff and I just didn't have it in me to start something with him. Then after a few days of saying we can just be friends I found myself flirting with him, and sending mixed messages so, I decided put your feet in, maybe you are just afraid on being close to him etc.

But I didn't realize I was getting more and more anxious and I kept repeating in my head how things started and I'd feel angry for what he did and then I would try to forget it and he was feeling it from me. Push and pull, push and pull and that was happening within me too. So we got together and he was saying how he feels it's just not working, maybe too much has happened, maybe he brings out the worst in me, maybe there is someone better for me out there etc. and I started to cry uncontrollably as I did so often as a child and with every other guy I had been with.

The next day I was thinking of the words I used and what I was actually saying while I was crying and I was trying to convince him I'm a good person and I was trying to convince him how much I liked him, and I was feeling so out of control. He said, let's think about it for the next few days and decide if next week we want to go out and just be ourselves, have fun and forget about all that's happened.

I went home and thought that he gave all reasons to leave so I decided to just email him and say goodbye. He said I see you made your mind up and then I grasped and told him not really and I began to recycle our past out loud to him again and how things happened etc.

So NOW=--(is your head spinning or not at this point) we said we'd just be friends. I said I don't like how I acted within all this, I don't know what's going on inside me when I get uncontrollable crying like I do, I feel the push pull and I don't know what I want or how I feel or what's tolerable from someone else etc. etc.

My father was a drinker, untrustworthy, not home alot and lied about his whereabouts when he did come home, emotionally abusive to me and he and my mom fought alot. I was so busy as a child watching them, hiding from things as best I could, and being on the lookout for what happens next seen as my father would come home and at least one of us would be his victim for the night.

I know I don't belong with anybody right now. I don't know why I want to hang onto men as friends even after they something unacceptable to me and some days I think it's not that bad.

How do I begin to deal with myself and whatever is driving me subconsciously? How do I start--I do see a therapist--and what do I do to release emotions and to feel and trust myself and whatever else.

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Nov 14, 2011
44 years old and afraid of loss
by: Anonymous

I get involved with men who are not available. When I call I am afraid that they will not call me back. When I feel that they are moving further away I call even more. I had a father who was never around when I was young and when he was he use to fight with my mom and yell all of the time. I love my dad today and he is not the same person he was. Well I keep meeting men who are not emotionally there for me. I am the one who worries if they will stay or not. I know what to do in my mind but I have a hard time putting into action. I know I should let go but I cling instead. I am getting older and I am still single and I so desperately want a family. I feel that it will never happen.

May 13, 2011
When goodbye is not enough
by: Move Over

My life is changing in all areas. And while the first year was lived defeat and in denial, I now have learned, was forced to accept it. Actually I think my sub-conscience has created this situation. Lost my jobs, having to sell my house to pay debt, trying to save face amongst my family and peers, loosing a lover. But I want to focus on the lover. I lived my childhood with an extremely abusive father. He has since passed. I have entered into relationships time and time again with addicts of all sorts, mostly emotionally unavailable men. My co-dependency sent me to shrinks many times where as these men just continued to live in their addictions. I was abused, used, thrown to the wolves and all the while able to raise my a lovely child now in university, take care of my own house, work 2 or 3 jobs which were usually self employment from my talents, fix a computer, a toilet, a car you name it I can fix it, I'm used to doing things myself, because if I can it's practically free. And it's well done. I know that about me. But these men hated me for it. They were mean, lazy, always cruel, little to say and had crap jobs, and I took all their shit and dealt with it out of the need for what LOVE? Wanting to fit in? God, I feel like a fool, But it has been in the loosing of most of all my material world that I have had to let go. I have to move on and in doing so I have learned that the world is scary but not that much, it's actually a relief to let it all go, this junk. I'm a clingon and in letting go of this crap around me I also let go of all my bad relationships, lovers, FWB's, certain alcoholic family members, I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I'm the get it done soon girl, I take care of everyone but me. But there is something to be said with age also, the big 50 hit and now I'm looking at wasted time. My boyfriends, so unavailable in thought, action and soul, I've let go, not easy for me because I even name my plants. So I'm quite the sentimental nester.
But they are no good, I'm trying to heal my past, make my father the dad he should have been through these men. Poor guys, they didn't know what was coming, also they didn't see me going either, I feel sorry for them because they are stuck, I only want to be happy, I generally am.
I want to have fun, and do things and meet people and enjoy life where it has always been a struggle. I can do that know, see I'm so used to struggle, abandonment, loss, independence, that it's no longer frightening these tuff times. I could care less what hits the fan, everything has already hit it. I seek happiness, I really want it bad. I am leaving most eveything behind, I am a CC Rider and into the desert I go. For the next while, I am just a being doing being things.

Feb 06, 2010
Abandonment Stuff
by: Anonymous

Thank you. I realized today just how crazy it was of me and looking back I have recycled each long-term boyfriend I had ever had at least once. I thought they'd changed for one thing and secondly I was lonely. Easier to look back then to move forward not knowing when whom will come next. I think I watched too many love movies growing up or something thinking they'll change. I know people change because I have through the years. I know I've read that I attract emotionally unavailable men because I am too, I didn't see it at the time but I didn't doubt it and given enough time, I'm starting to see that I am.

I'm committed to me for now. I'm 40 years old and I've been through enough drama and been stressed for long enough, and I've wasted lots of time with the wrong men and then going back to them again and again.

It's not worth it, I need to get the relationship I have with myself in order first. Whatever it takes, however long it takes.

Thank your input. It was very inspiring.

Feb 06, 2010
Abandonment from within
by: Billy

I can so identify with the yo-yo like drama that leads to the emotional trauma that we love to volunteer for; we attract emotionally unavailable people as does a light attract moths, they sense our vulnerability and desperation.

I had always believed that I was emotionally available and that it was just attracting these emotionally unavailable takers; today I realize that I can only attract those that are on my level or lower, we love to attempt to rescue those ones that are lower than ourselves.

I finally realized that I had to become the person that I would like to attract in my signifigant other by living myself into healthy thinking and action.

It took years of recovery focusing on my codependency to see how wounded and love starved I really was. Today I do not accept unacceptable behavior from others, and the first step in doing so is to not accept unacceptable behavior from myself.

Today I realize that I do not need someone else to complete me, or the need to have another half for I was made whole. I realize just how insidious that my love addiction coupled with my sex addiction has been shaping my life and choosing my partners. I remember my first LTR in recovery with another on again off again recovering addict that became very addictive and insane. I would rationalize and justify that I needed to give him the benefit of the doubt, progress not perfection, etc. that had been afforded to me. It was not until a friend from my support group stated that, someone else’s addiction can take you out quicker than your own did I finally realize how insane my behavior was; yet it took me another few years of relapsing back into this LTR before I finally put it down for the very last time.

Abstaining and holding to bottom line behaviors with my sex conduct is a relative ease in comparison to knowing what healthy love is from falling back into codependent love addiction allowing someone else to become my higher power, again.

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