Abandonment Issues are making it hard to be in a healthy relationship.
My father was an unreliable, angry, abusive (physically toward my mother, and verbally to all of us). My mom divorced him when I was three. During this time, I was being molested by my baby sitter. Then at the age of eight, my father died of cancer. Gone for good. I grew up wanting a dad, but never having that. In my teens I wished I had a father to protect me, and teach me about boys. Instead, I had myself and my environment to work with. I was very promiscuous, and desperate for love. Most relationships ended because the man chose to end it. In my current relationship today, I am experiencing problems. In the back of my mind, I'm always afraid my partner is going to leave me. I feel like i'm not good enough, and experience low self worth (which i am addressing). When my partner expresses something he doesn't like, which he should be free to communicate, my whole world seems to crumble. I cry, I get angry, I get defensive... then I feel guilty. Then I feel afraid he will leave. Sometimes I leave when there is a disagreement. My first instinct is to flee the scene. But then I have a feeling of "where to now stupid? You have no where to go." It's like I want to be chased after. I want to be rescued from myself. I know I need to rescue myself, or I am going to push away some one who wants nothing but happiness for me. My partner tells me all the time that I need to love myself and stop telling myself that I'm all screwed up... Focus on how wonderful life is. The problem is, I don't really know how to. Can anyone help me? Currently I am listening to different audios, and reading works on how to reprogram your mind, and how anxieties and fears work in your brain, and effect your life. I love this man so much, I am so afraid of losing him if I don't learn how to control my mind and my emotions. I don't want him to get sucked into my warped perspective. I know that my view of relationships are unhealthy. The problem is, I haven't figured out how to change my thought patterns yet, let alone control my thoughts. Please help me.