Abandondment cycle every 2 to 3 years.

by Ray
(San Antonio TX)

My wife has had many issues in her past from divorced parents, the father treating his new children to new cars and nothing for her, her Mother belittling her in HS, an abusive first marriage and abandonment.

We first got married when she was way overweight because her first husband was so bad. I saw something in her that was good. Since then she has left me about 4 times, with one of the times we divorced, she got surgery and we eventually got remarried.

Since we got remarried she has left again and not I see the pattern of her leaving, she hates most things I do including watching the news. She is defensive of her children (all 20 and older). She had been drinking a lot and partying with the younger set. When she got drunk she said some awful things. We never resolved these issues and she has never apologised for her behaviour. Now she has moved out again. She still stops by for a few things and is cordial and gives me a kiss on the cheek.

I feel like I'm in a really strange movie and nothing makes sense. I'm tired of going around in circles and not getting anywhere.

I have withdrawn from her as far as conversation because I made one comment about one of the many things that she hates about me and she immediately criticized me and clammed up.

It's even more weird that she came over to the house to give the kids and myself haircuts.

What is the point of a separation if you don't talk, she hates everything about you or life together but you get a free haircut.

Any ideas?

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Nov 29, 2012
Your partner in Codependency
by: LH

I see a lot of myself in your letter. I used to date men a lot like your wife. Friends and family would ask me "Why? What do you seem in him?" I always had a quick answer to that. "You dont know him like I do." or "You dont see the good side." In my therapists office one day when describing one such fellow he asked me "How deep do you have to dig to see the good side in this man? If NO ONE you know or associate with sees any of these traits you espouse are they really there?" He asked me if it was just my fantasy wishful thinking that made me believe that "the love of a good woman would save him and help him see the light?" I had a savior/ martyr complex kind of attitude. I had stayed in my marriage way past the breaking point for the same reasons. Basically I was dating really sick men who had a seed of goodness in them. But unlike the Grinch I was unable to make that heart grow past the size of a pea. So they acted like jerks towards me and the people around me. I finally came to love myself and come to KNOW that I deserve much better treatment. My therapist asked me this question one day and it was a turning point. He said...your daughter (who was 14 at the time)...if you saw a young man treating your daughter the way this man treats you would you advise her to stick by him and take it because he had good deep down or would you advise her to get out and that she deserves better. Of course I answered the latter. He then asked me, Why do you deserve any less than what you want for your children?

Good Luck Ray

Dec 24, 2010
Distance & Pursuit
by: Don

Hi Ray,

Sounds at the very least like an ongoing game of distance and pursuit, mixed in with alcohol abuse or alcoholism; not to mention emotional problems of the diagnosable variety. As you probably already know, it is not wise to expect healthy behavior from unhealthy people...never seems to work out very well. She needs to get help before she would be able to have a healthy relationship.

I am sure that by now you are probably mumbling something like "No S*** Sherlock!" If that's the case, stop and ask yourself... "Why am I trying to have a (healthy) relationship with her at all when it's so obviously NOT going to happen?"

When you step back and really look at the situation, it doesn't make sense that you would even try to "make things work" and then be surprised when she responds in her very predictable ways.

The only way one can continue to try in the face of overwhelming evidence that "it ain't gonna happen" is with denial and/or wishful thinking -- the kind of thinking that is just as sick as the addict's thinking. Co-Addiction is addiction to the addict. To get well, you have to look at your core issues. The ones that draw you to her and to this kind of scenario.

Keep coming back here, get a counselor that knows about addiction and codependency, build a support network of others who have been there and done that.

Ray, as the New Year approaches, I wish you and any of the other thousands and thousands of people who need to read this a year full of insight, recovery, and blessings from a power much greater than all of us!

Don Carter

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