14 Years Old
My mom left when I was 14 years old which always led me to believe that I was old enough to handle it. I never thought that it affected me because I knew that she loved me and she wanted me to come with. I didn't want to leave my friends or my dad so I just visited her once a month or so. Looking back I sometimes think that even before that I maybe did not get what I needed but I still have a voice in my head that says something like, "oh stop victimizing yourself..." or something along those lines. I had a breakdown my junior year of college from a relationship. I would get beyond crushed if things didn't work out even if the person clearly was an asshole or if we just weren't right for each other. I ended up going to therapy and dropped a few classes. There were a couple times where I cried a whole lot, not even really knowing why. When the therapist told me that it WAS crushing that my mom left when I was 14 I didn't really believe him but somehow it made me feel better to think that there was a reason why I felt like I was never ok inside. Everyone else seemed like they were just ok. Like they were ok with where they were, no matter where they were. If they were studying they were ok, if they were at a party and drinking and socializing they were ok. But I never felt ok. I felt out of control and different. I think I started to accept that I was "not ok."
Through therapy and then realizing that maybe it was messed up that my mom left, I acted out a few times and I really regret it. I was awful to my mom, I was a mess to my friends, I was stuck in a muddy mind set and really truly I acted like an asshole. And I still can't shake it. I feel so guilty, and I have trouble figuring out if its my "abandonment issues" or if i just need to feel the guilt of acting like an asshole for awhile and then it will go away. I guess I am sharing to see if anyone has felt this and if they have overcome the constant questioning of themselves.
Thanks for having sharing this forum. If felt good just to write this. By the way I am 30 now and still questioning whether I have more to dig into.
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