Wow I'm beginning to understand ...

by Guy
(Chilliwack, BC, Canada)

Wow I'm beginning to understand why my relationships have been so negative

I think back to when I was about 6 years old and so wanted my Mom's approval. I drew a bunch of pictures and tried my best to make them perfect. I was so happy with what I had done. I wanted my Mom to see them but she just looked up and made some short comment about' Oh that’s nice" and then turned away. I was crushed. When I was about 10 or 12 I did something stupid that I can’t remember and my Mom was so mad at me. I begged her for forgiveness and she just shot back to stop the theatrics.

Another time when I was about 9 I had a very sore front tooth. For 2 weeks I kept telling my Mom it really hurt. Finally she got so mad at me for bugging her she got angry and dragged me to the dentist. The dentist took one look and drilled right into the tooth without even bothering to freeze it. I remember my mouth feeling up with the puss from the infection that was inside my tooth. I also remember seeing the look of shock on my Mom’s face.

When I was born my mother never wanted me. My Father tried to compensate but he was a farmer and was always working. The family dynamic ended up being that my oldest brother was raised by the hired help, my middle brother was adored by my Mom and my Dad tried to show me love to the best of his ability but he was also busy in the fields, etc. My entire life I was always compared to my middle brother by my Mom. Statements like “if you only tried harder you could be just as good as...” Why can’t you get good grades like you brother...’”

My middle brother also tormented me endlessly. Maybe because he wanted his father’s affection, who knows. Family members and people who knew us especially the farm workers you to say just have shocking the dynamics of our family was.

I am 49 years old and have never felt like I was any good. That I was loveable. I’m going through my second divorce and I know that some of it can be attributed to my need to have people show me I am loveable rather than knowing on the inside myself that I am loveable. This has always set up a poor dynamic in relationships, I am quick to pull away from people if I feel even the slightest sense they don’t like/love me or are critical of me. I spent years smoking pot and doing drugs just to escape my feelings and have only stopped in the past 3 months. I ended up in prison for drug trafficking at 21 years of age which just solidified how worthless I was. There was a huge write up in our local paper so my whole family had to feel the shame of my actions which drove even deeper my feelings of worthlessness.

I am just now starting to work with a counsellor to deal with these issues that stem from my childhood. I pray to God for the day that I can release that little 6 or 7 year old boy for the bondage of feeling unloved and unlovable. So many times I know I have reacted to any sense of rejection from the place of the little boy rather than from the place of an adult that I am. It is my hope that through counselling and with God’s help I can grow into a strong self confident man and have my first real healthy relationship.
Thank you for this write up as it will help me understand myself and therefore help me with my counselling. I just wish I knew this stuff before because it could have helped me save my marriage.

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