Wounds of the Inner Child

by Billy
(Myrtle Beach, SC)

I have always acknowledged that my codependency and ensuing addictions to most anything and everything began with pain, fear, and being traumatized in childhood; while acknowledging this very important contributing factor to my codependent life of dysfunction I now feel as I have just been paying this awareness lip service all along till now.

Now realizing that post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) played a crucial role in laying my foundational development that would have a lifetime of consequences. I also feel that my past 14 years of recovery involving therapist, self-help books, and numerous 12-step programs have been woefully inadequate in my attempt to recover my sense of self from this childhood trauma.

I have used cognitive behavior modification (CBM) along with abstinence in the attempt to arrest the self-destructive forces within me that want me dead. I have had great success in the areas of abstaining from alcohol, drugs, smoking, and even soda, and have modified my sex conduct to maintain a healthy bottom line; I have performed the corresponding 12-step work as well, yet still I suffer as the child within still suffers. I feel that if I do not come to the rescue and re-parent my little Billy that I will continue to still suffer in the usual manner just not with the self-medicating tools of the past.

I do not have any vivid childhood remembrances that would cause such rage, terror, and fear in me, perhaps it is still deeply repressed in my internal warehouse filled with rows of "emotional Tupperware" that holds these feelings and memories locked up tight and as fresh as the day they were stored. I do know that some factors caused my inner child pain such as the alcoholic father, codependent mother, undiagnosed ADD and bipolar II, as well as struggling with my sexual orientation.

I recall a vision that I had after catching my first partner in sobriety cheating on me with his ex boyfriend which lead to hours of makeup talk followed by the obligatory makeup sex. Many months latter I had this vision of me laying in bed with the very person that just violated me with his infidelity and I being so desperate for love giving him my most prized possession, me.

In my vision my inner child, little Billy was sitting on the foot of the bed crying uncontrollably while I gave of myself to someone that did not deserve it. When I noticed my inner child crying I stopped asked him what was causing him such pain, and little Billy said that he was so upset because he could not get the love, attention, and affection from me that I would so easily waste on my cheating partner.

Thankfully, I was on the phone with a good friend in my support group when the lid of my emotional Tupperware popped off without warning, I cried for mine and little Billy's pain nonstop for nearly 20 minutes while my good friend just reassuringly listened on the other end of the phone.

This is just but one glimpse of many trespasses upon my inner child from my warehouse filled with my emotional Tupperware all of which are begging to be finally heard, to be felt, to be freed at last. I feel that I am at a crossroads in my recovery of self, and have a very special little boy inside of me that adores me and fears me all the same. Today, I get too hold, nurture, love, guide, and discipline that boy until there is no longer a we, and the two of us become a me.

Be well,
Billy