Wounded

by AFT
(Jefferson City Mo)

I am just now starting recovery. I never could imagine that any thing could be so hard. I want to share my story so maybe it will help someone else who has been through a similar situation.

I was sexually abused when I was very young by my father. This went on for many years. I got pregnant when I was 16 and was sent away to an unwed mothers home far from home. I gave birth to a little boy that I put up for adoption. I held him and even named him. The people who adopted him kept the first name I had given him and the little outfit I sent him home in.

I love children but based on the fact that I was only 16 and it was my biological fathers child I just could not keep it and give it the live it should have. The child was innocent of any wrong doing. My father continued to abuse me after that as well. I ran away from home several times. I lived in my car for 6 months. The man I was dating treated me much like a piece of trash unless he to wanted sex.

I did however marry and had children. I am now a grandmother and enjoy every min with my children.

I am working the 12 step program but not gaining much ground at this time. I do however believe that once I get further into recovery and let the demons go that hold me I will find the higher power I used to believe in. I know that once I get to my higher power I will not need to drink and gamble to have fun or to bury my pain any longer.

I just have to remember not to give up. There are so many times I want to quit and just keep living my life the way it was because I keep telling myself it was not that bad you just have to control yourself. Now I know that I cannot do this alone.

Just wanted to let someone know that they are not alone if this has happened to them and there is someone who cares.

I will post more in the near future.

Comments for Wounded

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Mar 18, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Woonded
by: Anonymous

It sounds like you are carrying a lot of guilt. I had that same problem for many many years. God knows what is in your heart. He has already forgiven you. The hardest thing to do is to forgive yourself.

It took me years and some very wonderful people to help me see that. You are grieving for the things that have happened. That is a step that is needed in the healing process. Eventually, you will forgive yourself for the things that have happened.

I wish you God speed in your healing. Take care.

Mar 04, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
More on my journey
by: AFT

Yesterday was a very hard day for me. It was the birthday of my little girl who passed away during birth. She would have been 29 years old. For some reason I was having some very strong feelings. First I need to explain, Before I got pregnant with her I had an abortion a year before this. I then got back together with the father of my first child. I got pregnant with Kelly carried her for 9 months and 2 hours before she was born she had the cord around her neck and did not make it. From that day forward I felt like it was my fault because I had taken the life of an innocent child and now I was being paid back for this by my little girl dying. I have never told anyone about this not even my husband and he does not understand how I cannot let this go. I have not told my counselor yet either. I am really having a hard time writing this I cannot seem to stop crying. I feel like I am bearing the worst of my sins. I wanted so bad to go to the boat and gamble yesterday just to zone out and numb my feeling but I did not go and today still plan on not going. I hope that writing this is going to help me heal the sorrow I feel for what I have done in the past.

I hope by writing this it will help someone who also has hidden secrets that you are so ashamed of.


Jan 20, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks for the comments
by: AFT

I justed wanted to thank everyone. This is just the beginning for me. I learn something new every week and every day. It is hard but the joy I am having just enjoying the little things in life is so much more rewarding than self medication. The joy I see in my granddaughers eyes when I play with them or make their favorite food out weighs the gambling and drinking.I am so gratefull for my counsler and the support group I attend. I cannot wait till I have made further progress. I am amazed out how good you can feel. Not every day is good there is the bad, sad and ugly that comes from deep within I know it will be hard but some how I feel stronger and more determined than ever.

Thanks
AFT

Jan 20, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Strength and Bravery
by: Brenda - Columbia MO

AFT,
Thanks for posting. My heart goes out to you. Nobody should ever have to experience that kind of treatment and abuse, especially at the hands of someone that is supposed to love and protect you (as others have said too). I too can't imagine how one could believe that "it wasn't that bad". That is an awful experience to go through and I totally admire your strength and bravery for telling your story so others with similar experiences will know they are not alone. I admire your strength and bravery in facing the pain and beginning your journey to recovery. Undoubtedly you will face many difficult emotions, but you are a survivor. I'll pray for your continued courage, strength, bravery, and grace. Best of luck to you with your recovery.

Jan 19, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks!
by: Don

Hi AFT,

I have read your story a couple of times now as well as the comments from today. I cannot contribute much more to what has already been said, except to say THANK YOU!

Like many others here, you and your story are a testimony to the human spirit. Your courage and sharing will no doubt be exactly what someone who ventures onto this site needs to hear...and they will no longer feel so alone and hopeless.

It's an amazing thing how sharing for the benefit of someone else is one of the most powerfully healing things one can do for one's self. Please continue using the forum to record your journey and to reach out to others (both to give and to receive).

Thanks again!
Don

Jan 19, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I am so proud of you
by: SMEK

You are making tremendous strides. I, too, was sexually abused. I did not find peace until I turned my life over to God. I know it is hard to believe in God when things like that are going on. But don't give up. God has been with you every step of the way. He wants us to believe in Him. He will give you peace. Talk to Him like he is your best friend. Then just listen quietly with your heart and He will respond. God bless you sweetie. You have been through a lot, but you are a survivor.

Jan 19, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
So sorry you experienced this
by: Lyn

Hi AFT

What an incredibly strong person you are to have endured all you have and still you have gone on to have a family of your own and now grandchildren, it is clear you love your family deeply. Also you have started the 12 step program for your alcohol problems. Big kudos to you.

Sexual child abuse must be one of the hardest forms of abuse to face especially when the perpetrator is a parent, someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally and look out for your best interests. I am sorry there was no-one who protected you from your father's heinous behaviours.

Have you ever seen a therapist? One specialised in trauma and abuse recovery would be most beneficial to you. It is not uncommon for victims of sexual abuse to suffer Complex ptsd symptoms - these are psychological injuries inflicted on the sufferer through abuse/trauma events as opposed to an inherent illness, it differs from ptsd in that the traumas are layered one on top of the other and not caused by a one time trauma or incident. It could also explain why you have turned to alcohol and gambling in a bid to self medicate the pain.

As well as AA groups where your history of abuse may not be so easy to share, maybe there is a support group in your area for SA victims? Sharing amongst folk who have lived through similar abuse can be very healing and cathartic.

"I keep telling myself it was not that bad you just have to control yourself." - I felt sad when I read this sentence in your post - it isn't true AFT what you lived through a hell no child should ever have to endure, it was a savage violation of your trust and your innnocence, you did absolutely nothing to deserve your father's very sick behaviour.

You are on the right path to facing your childhood trauma and once you have grieved all you have to grieve and made peace with yourself - I hope you will feel the peace and contentment in your life that you so deserve. Hugs to you, Lyn

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Alcoholism & Other Addictions Forum.