wombat

by Emme
(Amsterdam)

Wombat is the code I had to write in order to commit this entry. What a coincidence.

I'm a 42 year old dysfunctional 'wombat'. Abandonment seems to fit the picture that I'm slowly starting to see. Neglect during childhood: yes. Abusive neglect? No, my parents were just mostly absent and too busy with their own troubles or (later) with my sister. I lost a niece when I was around ten or eleven, and her death has haunted me ever since. I became 'successful' with all my insecurities inherited. Broke down when I was 30, found real love straight after and (being 'successful' as well)... destroyed that (almost?) beyond repair some months ago. Developed an alcohol addiction as a student- because my father was an alcoholic in disguise? Because my mother was too depressed all her live to be able to care about anything? Stopped drinking without trouble in August, to discover real depression laying underneath. Quickly grabbed the bottle again last week to avoid this suicidal depression. I'm like such a wombat (I'm also perceived by outsiders as very kind) 'chewing my leaves (alcohol) in peace' But don't approach me (like real wombats) personally, as I will wound you - wombats aren't very friendly animals.

Abandonment, unresolved grief, false self's, addiction through codependency - a history of life (I'm entitled to look back at forty+) disrupting over and over again the vital constructive positive opportunities in my own life. The pattern is clear, the feelings follow superficially the want of change.... and yet, I'm caught, damaged, tired, exhausted and at present busy destroying everything.

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Oct 10, 2012
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Tip of the Iceberg
by: Don

Hi!

I agree that awareness is an important piece of the puzzle ~ now that you have that piece action and follow through is necessary. Reaching out for help with the drinking is the first thing we do to get well.

Once we get some distance between us and that last drink a fog lifts - as you have discovered, that's not always a good thing because of what the fog is covering up. But that very thing (comfort & relief) is the HOOK of addiction. It will start costing you more and more emotionally, financially, mentally, interpersonally, spiritually, occupationally, legally...etc.

Once you have achieved abstinence, recovery begins... along the way, underlying issues come to the surface to be addressed and released (you no longer need them once you stop drinking.)

Don't skip over the drinking issue or you will end up feeling even worse! As a friend of mine would say "If you think it's bad now - pour a little vodka on it and see what happens!"

Blessings,
Don

Oct 03, 2012
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Nice
by: Xcythe

Nice, awareness is the first part of acceptance. With that we can begin to do the dirty work of recovering the life we lost or never had. I address my issues today, establish healthy boundaries, and seek outside opinions on what do do. On my own, I play an internal dialog of degradation, guilt and shame, but when I ask someone else they tell me the truth. That I haven't done anything bad today, and that's what matters. Today. The reality of the situation is I have a disease of perception. Today I don't have to feel good to do good, my mind is my enemy if I let it go, but a valuable tool if guided. I was a sick person that needed to get well, not a morally bad person. ( A disease is an imprpoper functioning of an organ or organism, progressive and fatal; failure to thrive )

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