Wife the enabler

by Kevin Luing
(Hooper, Utah)

My wife is the enabler to her kids, I'm the step dad. I have been married two years and
have been trying to tell her that she is not helping the kids. They need to take full
responsibility for there actions and all financial matters. You need to stop paying the car, insurance, cell phones and giving them cash.

Now, as of 5/5/10 we find out that both the kids
are addicted to drugs. We have started with parenting programs as well as Al Anon. This is all new at this time. I feel that my wife will still continue to pay for things while they get
help and look for a job. However, I feel that if she continues why would they go look for a
job? Every thing would still be the same, kids would say "every things paid why do I need a job?"

I know it's hard on my wife however, there is no better time than the present to start saying
"NO" ! I love my wife to death however, I will not be a part of her enabling "her" kids any
longer. They are 25 and 27 years old. It's time for them to grow up!

If I'm wrong would someone please let me know ????

Comments for Wife the enabler

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Sep 16, 2016
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Nothing new under the sun ECC1:9
by: Tired of it

I can feel all your pain living with an enabler, so far 7 years for me and don't know how much longer.

I wont get into any details about the enabling process,you all know it. As the one living with the enabler from 2nd or 3rd marriage you have to think of YOUR quality of life because the enabler dose not consider your above the children.

There is an inherent control that is causing the enabler to effectively divide the relationship of the children and you! Which is Satan and his minions. Another thing all of you have to understand is we are controlled by powers and principalities in the unseen realms. Everything you need to know about your situation is in the Bible.

But contrary to our modern idea that equates love with tolerance, real love does not tolerate or excuse the very sin that is destroying someone (James 5:20). To enable or excuse alcohol addiction in someone we love is to tacitly participate in their sin.

My favorite verse 2 Thessalonians:8-11 If anyone is not willing to work, let him not EAT.If you cannot convince the enabler to consider there actions and the destruction they are doing to the children and You, then you need to move on with your life because its just a vapor.. death is real look around.

Apr 18, 2016
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Can Relate
by: Anonymous

I am a boarder line enabler myself. My sons are 30 & 31 and my Mother is the Queen of enabling. However, I understand your battles because mine have gone on for years with my Mom & sons. Now, I am in a relationship where my boyfriend is an enabler & Im loosing my cool. Kids have no respect for themselves at all, ( I know I was there), have zero clue how to contribute to the house on a daily basis, assist with the animals, ect.. I already raised my family, ( kids are gone) but do ask for favors but only necessities. Seriously, enabling is a disease because enablers refuse to listen. Bill thinks I am so hard on his favorite daughter, & I am, but I see what is coming down the path. 20 years old, took her (I'm the Queen to work) insulted an older waitress got cut to 4 hours a week. She got another job which is wonderful & she ran out of gas 5 days before payday? No food money for work, no gas but lots of stuff from Target & a great time with friends. Bill runs around asking her if she is okay & would like dinner or anything else he can get! Yea, I'm hard! My relationship sucks! I really don't have the desire to do this shit twice.

Dec 11, 2015
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
how do i approach my wife?
by: RayAnonymous

After reading these stories I feel like I'm in for a losing battle. Have known my wife for 3 years and married for 1. Her son who is turning 20has never felt any responsibility for anything he's done wrong because mom has always fixed the situation. Weather by money or finding him a job that some how he can never keep. We have separate ACCTS but I know she pays for car ins etc.she went out and bought a junk car to drive so he could have the batter one. The lies he gives her never ends but still she doesn't want to confront him because she may hurt is feeling.
Helpless in New England
Any thoughts?

Nov 23, 2013
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Husband enabler
by: Cheryl

Same story here. 12 yr relationship where 10 of those years Ive sat back at watched it all happen. Ive assisted him to learn how to control this but he always caves and the daughter wins. Which ultimately means she looses. As the longer you enable the more delayed a healthy life is for the child. Almost ready to cave on this 12 year relationship. Sad

Feb 10, 2013
Rating
starstarstarstar
Enabling - A Silent Killer
by: Terpy

It took me almost 8 years to identify the root cause of our marital conflict. I feel like I have been enabling my wife's enabling of her 3 children. You may read this and wonder why I withstood this for sooooo long - I feel the same. Her 23 y/o is back home, doesn't work and deals and uses drugs. No job nothing more than a 10th grade education. her 19 y/o is a career criminal - also a serious drug user. I love her deeply but cannot stand it any longer. I raise the subject and defensive reasoning kicks in - it is then me who is the problem (shoot the messenger I suppose).
I moved out 9 months ago because I didn't want to me living in the family home when the 19 y/o was released from prison. He lasted 5 months then was convicted and sent to jail for more serious (drug-related) crimes. My wife send him money knowing full well that he buys drugs in prison - yes it is rife! Whilst he was out of jail for a few months last year he impregnated a new (18 y/o) g/f and they are having the baby. So tragic and dreadful. My wife never has a daughter (3 boys) and is bizarrely happy to be about to become a grand-mom - it's gonna be a girl.
Enabling is the most insidious sinful crime committed against children of all ages.
My wife is a strong kinda bitch - even in couples counseling her message is crystal clear - I deal with my boys the way I believe is appropriate - so you suck it up and deal with it or move on.
I have moved on.
I am emotionally enmeshed in this train-wreck because I dearly love the woman - but it does my head in!
Anybody have s similar challenge.
Any clues on how I can make our marriage work?

Dec 31, 2010
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
like looking in a mirror
by: loves2much

I am the soon to be wife who enables one of her two teenagers. It has just recently came to my attention that I was an enabler. Plz help me in my search to stop enabling before my family suffers too much more. All replies here have been a tremendous eye opener and great help and encouragement already. I would so love more! And I would like to know more about your part since it is the same as my fiance' and he aswell has been helping open my eyes. It still seems to me that I keep telling myself its not as bad as it really is and I know that is a lie.

Dec 22, 2010
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Stand Your Ground !
by: Anonymous

No, you are not wrong! You have made the conscious choice to stop the cycle, and your efforts will be in vain if she doesn't join in as well.

During my enabling days there were constant conflicts with my husband over my paying the kids' bills, etc. I couldn't understand how he could be so cruel to my babies. I was the one that was cruel. My son is now 32 and cannot hold a job. He sells drugs to make a living, and the 14 year old son that he had when they were 17 never hears from him. I honestly feel that he is the ultimate product of enabling. Low self esteem, carelessness, irresponsible, but yet I love him so. I don't have to respect him, and I don't have to like him, but of course the love is unconditional between a parent and the child.

You have to make it clear to your wife that the quality of your life is being jeopordized by her enabling the kids, and you feel very strongly about this. Therapy can do so much for her and help her "see" what she is blind to. It will help her understand the "end result" of enabling, which I would give my right eye to have known.

My husband told me once, after so many fights and his almost giving up. "Even a mother bird kicks her baby out of the nest. She has no clue if it will fly or fall to its death. It's instinct and it's nature. That's the way it is."

It helped me a lot, and I hope it helps you too.
Good luck !!!

May 19, 2010
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
similar situation
by: Anonymous

You have the same situation as I do except I am the wife and my husband is enabling his children ages 24 and 29. He presses me not to enable mine, and I try hard not to; however mine are 17 and 22. At least they work and go to school etc.

He doesn't see his enabling behavior and it is taking a toll on our marriage. He even has stopped treating me nicely and doesn't seem to care how I feel. It does not make a difference how I address it, he either doesn't recognize, doesn't want to admit or doesn't want to change the enabling.

He is depressed about his children to the point he doesn't care about his own life or happiness and says I am a casualty of it all. I am looking desperately for an answer to help him change so we can remain together. I love him so. Any suggestions out there would be wonderful.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Enabling Behavior Discussion Forum.