Comments for Wife the enabler

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Wife the enabler

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Dec 31, 2010
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like looking in a mirror
by: loves2much

I am the soon to be wife who enables one of her two teenagers. It has just recently came to my attention that I was an enabler. Plz help me in my search to stop enabling before my family suffers too much more. All replies here have been a tremendous eye opener and great help and encouragement already. I would so love more! And I would like to know more about your part since it is the same as my fiance' and he aswell has been helping open my eyes. It still seems to me that I keep telling myself its not as bad as it really is and I know that is a lie.

Dec 22, 2010
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Stand Your Ground !
by: Anonymous

No, you are not wrong! You have made the conscious choice to stop the cycle, and your efforts will be in vain if she doesn't join in as well.

During my enabling days there were constant conflicts with my husband over my paying the kids' bills, etc. I couldn't understand how he could be so cruel to my babies. I was the one that was cruel. My son is now 32 and cannot hold a job. He sells drugs to make a living, and the 14 year old son that he had when they were 17 never hears from him. I honestly feel that he is the ultimate product of enabling. Low self esteem, carelessness, irresponsible, but yet I love him so. I don't have to respect him, and I don't have to like him, but of course the love is unconditional between a parent and the child.

You have to make it clear to your wife that the quality of your life is being jeopordized by her enabling the kids, and you feel very strongly about this. Therapy can do so much for her and help her "see" what she is blind to. It will help her understand the "end result" of enabling, which I would give my right eye to have known.

My husband told me once, after so many fights and his almost giving up. "Even a mother bird kicks her baby out of the nest. She has no clue if it will fly or fall to its death. It's instinct and it's nature. That's the way it is."

It helped me a lot, and I hope it helps you too.
Good luck !!!

May 19, 2010
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similar situation
by: Anonymous

You have the same situation as I do except I am the wife and my husband is enabling his children ages 24 and 29. He presses me not to enable mine, and I try hard not to; however mine are 17 and 22. At least they work and go to school etc.

He doesn't see his enabling behavior and it is taking a toll on our marriage. He even has stopped treating me nicely and doesn't seem to care how I feel. It does not make a difference how I address it, he either doesn't recognize, doesn't want to admit or doesn't want to change the enabling.

He is depressed about his children to the point he doesn't care about his own life or happiness and says I am a casualty of it all. I am looking desperately for an answer to help him change so we can remain together. I love him so. Any suggestions out there would be wonderful.

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