Where to start - Life is good but I know I need help with this issue.

by Angelina
(Florida. CA )

I have been through so many forms of abuse that at times I really don't know how I've dealt with it all. I'm married to a man that also suffered a lot of abuse during his childhood but the two of us just don't mix. I sometimes think that if I had, had a normal upbringing I wouldn't be in this relationship. Although, he's a good man, he can be abusive, mentally abusive. He knows he has problems so it's not on purpose but it's just him dealing with his own issues.

When I was three years old, my mom left with my sick brother to another country to try and get medical help for him. While she was out of the country my dad was left with my twin sister, older sister and I but he decided that it was too much for him and left. He didn't come back for a long time. My older sister was 13 years old and we were all taken to my grandfathers home where we were mistreated for over 2 years. My dad came back after a few months but would show up when he wanted but wouldn't take responsibility for us. My grandfather wouldn't allow us to see him, because he didn't want him to hurt us again, by leaving.

We finally joined my mom after 2 1/2 years, but we didn't remember who she was. We had lost the connection we had to her and I don't think we ever got it back. My dad decided to come back when I was 7 years old but left two weeks later. I would see him once or twice every 10 -15 years and each time he would promise to call or promise to come see us. My mom had a really hard time with this and she would run away sometimes. She would tell us that we were bad so she would leave us and come back in a day or two.

At first, it was scary but then we got used to it. She would also fake that she was dying so that we would behave or gave her more attention. This happened for many years until we got old enough to ignore her or move out. When I was 11 years old, one of our cousins that was 20 years older moved in with us and sexually abused me for many years. At first I didn't understand, I was just looking for love, in the wrong place. I finally got the courage to stop him and he left and never came back. I didn't tell anyone for many years, I just didn't want to deal with it. It was over and I wanted it to stay that way.

I met many wonderful men along the way and left some great men because they weren't dysfunctional enough, or that's what I think. Overall I have a great family, a great career but there are moments where I doubt myself and lately have been feeling sorry for myself. I'm trying to have a baby and my husband isn't being supportive, I don't think he wants a baby with me and he also threatens to leave when things are tough. Lately, I get enraged with him when he threatens to leave because I can't handle having to fight for someone to love me again. It's like I'm always fighting to be loved instead of someone just loving because I'm great.

I think if I were "normal" I wouldn't put up with a man that does that but here I am and I'm scared to death every time he tells me he is going to leave. The good news is that I know I need help and this is the first step.

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