Very Tired

by Fiona
(Seattle)

My husband grew up in an alcoholic home, we are now in mid 40s, drink regularly "like Europeans", wine with dinner, but seems to be more. Some addiction in my family too, but not with parents.

When I mention to my husband that maybe we shouldn't drink so habitually, even though we never get drunk, he looks at me like I'm needing a new thing to worry about. He says he doesn't need alcohol at all and could take it or leave it, but thinks leaving it would be unnecessary.

The thing is, I do notice my husband tends to deny feelings, his family is very much that way, he has a low self-esteem, always has. Of course, I do too, but I've been in therapy for quite a few years dealing with my own issues, anxiety/depression, and really feel that it's been worth it.

In the past year my husband really showed me a part of himself (on accident) that led me to believe he's just plain old lost (sexual betrayal), and he's been trying to rebuild the lost trust in our relationship which has stung like hell and doesn't seem to get any better. But it always comes back to me feeling like the man just requires comfort, and fast. And so really, how can I trust him?

This is eating me alive. I hate to admit, I'm obsessing all the time about when he will lose sight of his vows again. So, I decided I didn't want to drink anymore, told him I feared I was looking forward just a bit too much to that glass of wine at dinner time and that worried me. He said he would cut back with me, if that would help me, but then he says he doesn't have a problem.

My question: Are we in denial? Am I codependent, at least in relationship to him?

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Dec 30, 2009
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Diagnosis?
by: Anonymous

I wouldn't worry about those things. I'd focus on talking about how you can both be ecstatically happy with each other.

Dec 29, 2009
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Only you can answer that...
by: mxkx

I think that's a question that no one but the person asking it can really answer. However, this would be a very good question to bring up to your therapist. Then you can work together to figure it out, with your therapist helping you find the right questions to ask yourself to discover on your own whether or not you are codependent.

I can relate to being worried about the next time your husband is going to forget his vows. My husband has been unfaithful in the past as well, and we have been working on the trust thing for a while. I think what has been helping me more than anything on trusting him is knowing that he is in therapy and is really trying to quit not through will power alone but through actually changing himself from within so that he is no longer tempted at all.

It also helped me a lot to realize that I did not NEED him nor did I deserve someone that would do that sort of thing and that I deserve a healthy, faithful relationship. I'm willing to stay with him as long as he is making the effort to initiate REAL change but if he drops that I am not willing to deal with a lifetime of "slip ups" when his will power fails him, nor should I.

I wish you all the best with your situation and hope that you both find the answers you're looking for.

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