Very Tired

by Fiona
(Seattle)

My husband grew up in an alcoholic home, we are now in mid 40s, drink regularly "like Europeans", wine with dinner, but seems to be more. Some addiction in my family too, but not with parents.

When I mention to my husband that maybe we shouldn't drink so habitually, even though we never get drunk, he looks at me like I'm needing a new thing to worry about. He says he doesn't need alcohol at all and could take it or leave it, but thinks leaving it would be unnecessary.

The thing is, I do notice my husband tends to deny feelings, his family is very much that way, he has a low self-esteem, always has. Of course, I do too, but I've been in therapy for quite a few years dealing with my own issues, anxiety/depression, and really feel that it's been worth it.

In the past year my husband really showed me a part of himself (on accident) that led me to believe he's just plain old lost (sexual betrayal), and he's been trying to rebuild the lost trust in our relationship which has stung like hell and doesn't seem to get any better. But it always comes back to me feeling like the man just requires comfort, and fast. And so really, how can I trust him?

This is eating me alive. I hate to admit, I'm obsessing all the time about when he will lose sight of his vows again. So, I decided I didn't want to drink anymore, told him I feared I was looking forward just a bit too much to that glass of wine at dinner time and that worried me. He said he would cut back with me, if that would help me, but then he says he doesn't have a problem.

My question: Are we in denial? Am I codependent, at least in relationship to him?