Unsure

by Sam
(Melbourne)

Hi I am a 33 year old male, I am curious about abandonment issues as I have sort after answers for many years and its only now that through reflection of the past 20 years that I have now started to ask a lot of questions about my youth and certain events that took place.

My memory or my story goes like this: I grew up on a farm my with an older sister and a younger brother my father worked 9 - 5 Monday to Friday while my mother stayed home and took care of us, it was like this until I was in grade 3 or 9 years old, my memory of this is that my mum had enough of staying at home and wanted to work again, which she did. up until this point we seemed to have a pretty conventional childhood, from there my mum made friends at work and slowly started drinking after work at the pub with some workmates as we lived out of town we would walk to my mums work and more often than not ended up at the pub for a couple of hours my mum would sit there drinking while we amused ourselves, this all seemed pretty normal to us, but as kids we hated it we just wanted to go home and play or do whatever.

This went on for a number of years which lead my mum into drinking a lot, still I did not recognise this as a child its only now that I can see where it possibly began. At the age of eleven I started grade 5 where we had a new teacher, I was never particularly great at school as I was reasonably shy, this may have a result of having little contact with other children as we lived so far out of town, I was also born with eczema which covered most of my body and particularly my face which to other kids I must have seemed like a mutant, I don’t recall this ever really bothering me at all I seemed to just do my own thing quietly.

So in 5 grade we got our new teacher he was from the city and paid a lot of attention towards me, I don’t think I really had ever had someone like this especially an adult pay so much attention, this went on all year and even took me and another friend away on basketball trips, which he always asked us. I remember my mum and my best friends mum consulting each other over this and making us aware of the dangers of paedophiles, none the less they allowed us to go on these trips, over time he gained the trust of my mum and became quite close to our family, I recall my dad being quite distant from this man and not really having anything to do with him and even possibly being rude to him.

I finished grade 5 and went into grade 6, my grade 5 teacher had left our school but he still kept in contact with my family and particularly me, he would call a lot and I would chat to him for hours, we became very close, until one day he told me he was going away to a 3rd world country to teach poor communities from memory I don’t think this really bothered me much but really bothered him, at this stage still in grade 6 I became quite worried and didn’t know what to make of his clear and open reluctance to go because he didn’t want to leave me, I continued to glaze over this and played along I think, until one day he rang up and said he wasn’t going he was staying because of me!

I didn’t know why then but I knew this wasn’t right but said nothing, he never told me to say nothing but I just didn’t. From there he would come down to the farm every few weeks and stay with us sometimes bringing other young boys some my age and some older and younger, somehow I seemed to have connection with these boys but didn’t know why or how.

This went on for a while and I even stayed with him at his parents’ house in the city which was 4 hours away, and that’s where it happened, I fell asleep on his bed and woke to him touching me, I didn’t know what to do so I pretended to stay asleep until I would deliberately appear to half wake up to make him stop. from there I would fall asleep again and not wake up until the morning not really knowing if he had done anything else and why he had done it, this was very confusing for me, as this man had become an idle and my best friend, I never said anything because I felt I would have betrayed him in some way even if I said it to him.

All this time my mum was drinking a lot and my dad was distant the love was still always there for us but the feeling of family had been diluted somewhat, eventually my dad tried to split up with my mum, I think this was a result of my mum possibly having an affair with her work and drinking buddy, my dad was and still isn’t the most emotionally dynamic person around if something got too much he would say something otherwise he was pretty chilled. I recall coming home from a friends place to my mum my brother and sister crying I asked mum what was wrong and she told us " me and your dad have split up, he said he doesn’t love me anymore" for some reason I knew this wasn’t true there was something else at work her.

Eventually after an amount of time I’m unsure of they got back together, this may have been for our benefit as children, we seemed to go back to normal and my mums drinking and work buddy disappeared. by this stage I was in high school and starting year 7 it was this year that my(friend) had moved back to our home town and had convinced my parents, I think more my mum that he needed a place to live in which my mum allowed him to stay with us, from there the abuse became more frequent I would wake up in the middle of the night with touching me, by this age I had to do something so every time it happened I would wake up and get out of bed pretending he wasn’t there and go to the toilet, in the time it took me to slowly and quietly get out of bed he would sneak out of the room and I would often pass him hiding behind a door on the way to the toilet, I would see him but pretend not too, I would then head back towards my room and see him darting down the hallway to his room.

I eventually became very aware that this was not right and probably always was until one night he asked if he could touch me, I said know initially but eventually gave in because I thought I was betraying him or something??? this went on for some time until one day in year 8 my dad balled me out of school saying I had a doctor’s appointment, which I didn’t, so I went with him and we started driving towards home dad said to me there will be gold car that will follow us home they are from the CIB (Criminal investigation Bureau) I knew instantly what this was about, my dad confirmed it and said they are going to ask me some questions and I need to tell the truth, at this point I had it in my head was going to tell them nothing, I didn’t want to get my friend in trouble, there was no way I would betray him like that.

We got home and they were at the kitchen table I read his statement that he made he had told them everything every last detail. From here I answered yes and no, my memory from that point on is very blurry, I only recall feeling as though I had lost my best friend even though I knew he was bad, and still to this day cannot manage to hate him even though I know he played a major role in tearing our family apart and possibly changing my upbringing and how I saw the world, I’m not what came first him or my mums drinking I think it was my mums drinking and here behaviour which allowed him enter our lives in the way he did.

All this has lead me to have feelings of how would have turned out as an adult and my perspective on life, for years I haven’t been able to talk to my mum in a respectful manner and for all those years I haven’t known why, that might seem weird, but its only now I’m starting to think I am blaming her for everything and the reason I can’t talk to her because I resent her, I know I’m an adult and wonder why can’t I get past this, but to talk to her on the phone makes me so angry and even angrier because she tries so hard, I can’t look at her in the eye, I haven’t told her I love her in 20 odd years. And I’m not sure that I do.

Not only that since I was a teenager or a young adult I have never known where my lot in life was, I have had trouble getting out of relationships and still do even if I possibly love the person I seem to want destroy it, which leads me into not being able to complete a task I can’t fuckin finish anything which makes me have no motivation to start anything. all this over the years has left me feeling like I have a void and that I’m not at my full potential and I keep waiting for something to happen, I have had enough I want to unlock my mind from what it seems to be trapped in. I’ve been an adult for many years now and am failing to draw any differences between my young adult hood and now.

For 20 odd years I have told myself this is just who I am, but now my girlfriend wants us to move to her home country which I don’t want at all as I’ve had a bad experience with this in the past, I became withdrawn and angry when she told me, which has lead me to think I have abandonment issues, as felt a great deal of resentment towards her when she told me. I didn’t know at the time and am now only starting to work it out. Thanks for listening to my babble

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