Trust in a higher power
As the pain from my childhood abandonment issues surfaces i am filled with fear and trauma. This fear seems to manifest itself in a fear of the future and that i am going to be rejected, humiliated or shamed in some way.
To ease my neurosis I tell myself in mantra style "most of what i fear has already happened' or as Seneca once said 'we are more often in fear then in pain,more often in imagination then reality".Here in lies my problem, i am constantly creating negative thoughts and imaginary conversations about persons or events in the future that will undermine my present security and happiness. At times i live in a state of total insecurity and it can be excruciating.When these bouts are over there are always tears followed by a realsation i have no control over much of my future and a deeper trust of my higher power. I guess i must be releasing the trauma from my childhood that stops me trusting in my higher power and letting go.?
As a child i was sexually abused and was told never to tell anyone.This must have created great anxiety and shame. What will my parents do if they find out, will they reject me, blame me etc.it made me feel different, dirty and abnormal in some way. I wonder if i am now projecting these feelings into the future.What if people find out what i`ve done in my past(particularly while in active addiction),will they reject me or shame me etc. I have no secrets as i cleared away the reckage of my past in step 4. Never the less, i would hate my past to become common knowledge. An example of this was that i moved my wife and children to live near my family and before long realised my sister had gossiped with her friends, all about my past life as an alcoholic and some of the things i had done.
Although it didn`t seem to make much difference,because people in the community could see we were a nice friendly and loving family.Although i constantly had to tell myself that i was o.k. today and living the right way and that God had forgiven me and taken my past from me.I was unconsciously ready to attack anyone who judged me. When someone eventually did make a cutting remark, i just walked away and said nothing. My worst fear had happened and although i was ashamed and then angry at this idiot for judging me i got over it.
I know live in a new area away from my family and have made good friends and have got a solid A.A group.Most of the time i am proud of the way i have turned my life around but as i said in the beginning maybe the feelings of fear and shame of my abandonment is being projected into the future. The only way to ease this anxiety is when i trust in my higher power that he is leading me to wholeness.I will try and Let go and let god and try and let the pain surface and dissipate without projecting it on to some event in the future.feedback would be appreciated.This feels like it`s the one real sticking point in my recovery, if i could just get over this hurdle i know i could experience real peace.Thanks ,love and peace, Coamhin