Trigger While Pregnant ? Why have I regressed?

by L.H.
(Florida)

- I'm 32 and pregnant (1st child).
- I think I was abused as a child (emo & a little physical)
- As an adult, I thought I was strong, "over" my childhood.
- Since I became pregnant, an event occurred & I feel like when I was a child again; sad,abandoned,alone, betrayed, angry.
- Now I'm afraid if I don't "fix" myself fast, my child will suffer.

My dad was very controlling (emotionally abusive?): Mocked and dismissed feelings, refused to speak to you if he was mad at you, jerked us around physically, & when he was angry he punished "bad" behavior with with belts or switches (not too often). My mother did not protect us 4 girls & was too busy with other things. My Dad acts "spiritual" & "changed" now, but has never acknowledged & has no idea the damage he caused to me and my sisters. He acts kind of manic alot (un diagnosed bipolar?) & he and my mom are pretty wrapped up in themselves. So years ago I "accepted" that I never really had "parents".

I recently realized instead that I "replaced" my parents with my husband's parents since I was 22 (last 10 years). They loved me & I loved them, we four did everything together. Their own alcoholic daughter was always either mean-drunk or absent. I was scared to become a mother myself but knew my in-laws would be my "parents" when I got pregnant. But the day we announced our pregnancy, the alcoholic sister announced her pregnancy. My in-laws now provide for her financially & emotionally, she lives with them (as will the baby). The sister and my parents-in-law now shop together, vacation together, baby shower, etc.

I realize now my in-laws are not my parents & I feel so abandoned. I have no parents and feel so alone. They can be friends to me but I'm not their daughter. I feel so childish saying that, but I am so angry and sad, because it isn't fair, I WANT A MOTHER AND FATHER. I don't even want any attention from his parents now (sometimes they try), the pain is so deep. I realize now I am not over my childhood.

-Why do I feel betrayed by my in-laws? Why do I hate them for supporting their own daughter?
-If they buy something for their daughter's baby, and also for mine, why do I reject it?
- Why do I cry if I even hear about them? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

If I don't get it together, I know I will pass my dysfunction on to my precious daughter (to be).