Too Much

by Dolores
(North Carolina)

I have a 28 year old son that I have been enabling... He has a serious addiction to cocaine, grass and prescription medications. His brother was killed in 2002 and I have over protected him even more since his brother's death. I have financially supported him - even sending him my Christmas money last year to get him out of jail. He promises to do better but relapses.

He met a girl last year and she abuses prescription medication - they have been inseparable. They stayed with her mother who died last year and I have let them stay with me off and on since. They don't pay bills but always promise too. They help some around the house and always remind me that they do...

We got into a argument last weekend and they left after getting over $1,800 in a tax return. They didn't give me any money on past bills and used the argument that I told them to leave as a excuse not to pay me.

I believe I'm sicker than they are. I'm behind in my bills and I have a electric bill due that is over $326. I need some support because I feel so guilty sometimes when I tell them to leave after a argument.

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Jan 28, 2010
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Too Much
by: Anonymous

Thanks everyone for your comments and support...

Jan 28, 2010
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You Seem Clear
by: Evan

Hi Dolores,

It seems to me from what you write that you are very clear about the situation and your part in it.

It seems to me that you need to identify what support is available to you and take advantage of it.

You seem to have great clarity and self-awareness.

Jan 28, 2010
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self knowledge
by: Anonymous

Hi Dolores,

I too like Angie understand what it is like to go through emotional upheavel when it comes to our children. It is not easy to see sometimes that what we are doing is actually hurting ourselves far more than it is our children.

Angie is right do things for yourself, simple things that don't cost anything or very little even like just time out and a walk in the park to rejuvinate your energy. You sound as though your energy is depleted at this time. Spend some time in mother nature and allow her to nurture you.

Call upon spirit to give you strength and wisdom to cope with what your son is doing, but use that strength for yourself to enable you to say no to his demands.

While we worry about their lives we tend to forget about our own and that is not on. We must put ourselves first you are the most important person in your life at all times.

Our children will do what they will do no matter what we do either for or against them.

Stay strong get the support you need and ask for help and then allow yourself to receive it as it is no good just asking you must be prepared to accept that help as well.


Jan 27, 2010
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To Dolores
by: Angie Carter

Thank you for having the courage to post your situation Dolores. Many times people feel so guilty or down that they cannot reach out at all.

Being able to have the insight that you ALSO have issues is half the battle. I commend you for being able to see that you also have things you need to deal with too.
Taking care of self demands discipline, which is something I struggle with. Isn't it easier to look around at others than to look in the mirror and say "okay, am I doing all I can to take care of myself??
When we are not doing all we can for ourselves it is so easy to NEED the approval of our children, thus we cannot afford to have them angry at us.

A simple test can show us if our current behavior is working. Do we have the love and respect that we want from the individual we are dealing with? When we enable them, do they in turn praise, love and respect us??? Usually not.

We enable so that we don't have to feel bad (by making the hard choices) or so we don't have to feel guilty when they throw the barbs at us and spin the truth and blame us. We are also driven by hundreds of fears. For instance, we believe the outcome of their life is in our hands, or what if they never speak to us again, or what if they end up hating us?? and on and on...
I would encourage you to educate yourself Dorothy by any means possible and then start setting small boundaries while learning how to focus on yourself and take care of yourself. If you can gt to a meeting I encourage to try it out.

Ask yourself these simple questions (same ones I ask myself at certain times)...when was the last time I did something really nice for myself? when was the last time I invested any time in myself? do I have any emotional wounds inside of me that need tending to? am I doing all I can for my health? (trying to eat right and doing some type of physical exercise every day) do I try to incorporate new and interesting things into my world? (ie. taking a class, studying something on the internet, getting involved in a hobby, volunteering some place) do I have social interaction with people and do I feel I have friends that can support me?

Anyway, you get the idea. Maybe you are already doing these things, I don't know. If you are that's terrific, if not, then you can make a fresh start this year!! It is never to late to continually evolve and strive to become the best person we can become.

Learning to say no was difficult at first and I had to have help. Spiritual help and help from those who had gone before me. Please continue to post your situation on here and how you are doing. There are people who care Dorothy- and I am one of them! Pray for willingness to do the right thing. Look inside and you will know what that is. Take care, Angie

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