Tired of Chasing After Connection

by Scott
(Sandy, UT)

For over thirty years my wife and I have been involved in the Distancing/Pursuit dance. Not only has it left us both extremely tired from trying to figure out how to find lasting meaning, connection and joy in our relationship, it has left us frequently struggling with sadness, resentment, blame and shame.

Now that our children are adults, we are now faced with the added burden of seeing their lives unfold with much of the same addictions, pains, wounds, sadness, rebellions and disconnections enmeshments our lives have been filled with.

While both my wife and I have spent over seven years in therapy, healing treatment, reading recovery books and discovering and attempting to heal the childhood and adulthood wounds which lie at the core of our struggles, we still are deeply burdened with dysfunctional-habitual-ingrained behaviors surrounding this distancing/pursuit state.

Even though we understand so much on an intillectual level, getting these principles to change us on an emotional and practical day to day living level has been extremely slow, if there has been forward growth at all.

I believe healing is possible. I also believe and have and will continue to include God in my recovery processes. However, the expense of professional therapists could bankrupt us if used as much as it seems to be needed in order to maintain permanent progress. I admit I may be just missing something, or I may be so enmeshed that I just can't see where my efforts are falling short. Perhaps I and we are just one breakthrough away from some lasting healing individually and as a couple. But sometimes I wonder if we are just so stuck individually that real healing may just not be possible for us while together. I am not sure though how to tell if this is the case or if that is just one more childhood weakness showing its ugly head. One which says, just give up when the going gets too hard.

I would love to find the answers yet remain uncertain if I ever will. So I just keep looking for now until I find some reason to do something else.

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Dec 27, 2013
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Payoff in the end?
by: Anonymous

I sooo agree - it seems like we never 'get' where we want to be (which is perfect as if no injury had ever happened). Maybe we've got a crown in heaven waiting for us instead

Jan 22, 2013
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reply to chasing after connection
by: Anonymous

HI thats the sort of relationship I am in. It's really tiring. Gosh at least you have committed to a relationship even if it is hard. Don always says as long as both of you are willing to put in the effort then thats a good thing. My last resort now is to go to a 12 steps programme and keep going on my recovery. I am guessing God /higher power helps us along the way.

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