this is me and my story

I have read quite o lot of the information on this site and it rings so true, I also have 2 young children and fear so much of repeating unhelpful parenting with them.

Im 47, have been depressed as long as i can remember, avoided getting help with this until as suggested hit rock bottom recently.
when i was 4 my mum died, she had a baby was ok when i kissed her and went to bed. I have just discover, via a works counsellor, that i blamed myself for her death, i must have done something as she was well and happy when I last saw her.

in the morning my dad sat me and my brother on the sofa and told us she was dead, he said its ok to cry as he had been crying.

that was it never mentioned again.

my dad married again on my 7th birthday, I didnt realise i was 7 until in my 20s, thought I was 8. I think this also took something away from me, my day to be special.

my brother was whisked away in the night when I was about 8 with appendicitis, i thought he was dead, he was ok but I wasnt allowed to see him for several weeks whilst in hospital.

as small children me and my brother couldnt eat, shed make a meal and we couldnt swallow it, she was furious, we'd creep upstairs to vomit, hide chucks of meat behind the radiators. my young sister, maybe 3 got sick and dehydrated and had to go to hospital overnight. I was told that it was because of us she got sick as she was coping us. I felt to blame.

I wet the bed until I was 12, had one trip to a specialist, had alarms, nappies, it was humiliating, so was getting my nose rubbed in it and later having to wash my own sheets.

but the main thing was the lack of talking about feelings, always look on the bright side, no affection, unless my legs hurt in the night, when my dad would rub them for me.

I fantasised and daydreamed alot, mostly about falling and breaking my leg and going to hospital where someone would look after me.

at school I did fine, was told I was moody and sullen like queen Victoria " we are not amused"

My sister was initially looked after by the neighbours, their daughter, similar age to me said she was her sister. I hated her.

my second sister was born when I was 9, I love her dearly too.
at 11 we moved, just after term started, I had started in a good school had good friendships and now started in a school where my classmates thought I was posh and different.

I did well in class but struggled so much with friendships, it was an awful 5 years.

I spend a lot of time at home and at school alone, felt incredibly lonely. I was defiant and no scared of my mum, shouting abuse at her. she said she would leave my dad if i didnt behave, as she had done this before. Now i found out from my youngest sister she had been married before.

It 15 during my exams we were on our way to the dentist, me mum and 2 sisters when we saw an ambulance on the road and a motorbike, mum said it looked like my brothers, I said no way. we stopped and mum rushed the young ones to school and we went to the hospital. I would not leave the car, it wasnt him and they were going to embarrass themselves by going in.
it was him, he was ok but concussed.

that night my mum and dad "had" to go to a social event, they were always at these events, we must have had a babysitter, I cant remember but I went out to the youth club and cam home late, maybe 11pm. My dad went berserk and hit me, well beat me and punched me in the head.

the next day i had an exam, my friend asked me what I had done to my ear, I looked at it and it was black.

at 16 I changed school and liked to freedom and the grown up setting, but arguments at home got worst as I went out late, drank, got mouthy with my mum.

at 18 I left home to become a mental health nurse, I was so lonely. at 21 I moved in with my boyfriend, i was such a little home maker and he felt stifled and left after 6 months. I was desperate to get him back for months. was not eating sleeping etc.
I got a job out of the hospital gave up my career and isolated myself even more.

changed jobs again 1 year later to manage a residential home for older people, had a good boss but had hell with the staff, I was 23 they were mostly mid 40s, who the hell did i think I was?

the home closed 5 years later, I was on a social work course, they told the senior managers I was abusive and had bad relationships which had lead to low admissions to the home and had starved someone to death by my neglect and ridiculous ideas.

i year later working back in mental health I overdosed several times, ended up in hospital with severe depression, kept leaving, self harming, aggressive with staff and eventually retreated into a fugue state, where they gave me ECT under a section. they put me on antidepressants and lithium.

2 months later I was off the section and discharged my self, went back to work, several weeks later took all my remaining pills and when I woke up went to hospital, where the discharged me.

then started a long period of solitude, back on new anti depressants from GP, but I said I was ok just a but down, every 8 moths or so I would stop them, go back on them say 8 months later, I kept doing this for 17 years.

I wanted children, I hated myself, I was ugly no one would want me so I joined a dating agency and hooked up with someone who spent the next 12 years invalidating me.

I was aggressive, abusive, physically and emotionally, I was completely out of control for much of this time, but worked and was successful at work. with a few episodes of explosive behaviour that got me in trouble but was put down to being passionate about helping people.

we had 2 children, I did all the caring, sill do, 5 years ago we split up but the invalidation from him and aggression from me carried on. I became paranoid and obsessed with him believing he was deliberately trying to hurt me. He said i was scary.

it came to ahead when he took me to court for a contact order, saying i prevented him from seeing the kids and that my emotional health was detrimental to the children. he had regular contact and always had had. but the other bit did my head completely in and I tried to kill myself, planned and everything.

but I didnt take enough tablets and woke up, again! Should have know better and stored more. I few days later after various MH contacts I was sectioned and taken to hospital, that was 8 moths ago, came out after 2 months and told the doctor I needed more help and thought I had borderline personality disorder, which he initially thought fitted changed his mind then through my insistence referred me to the local services for this disorder.

my assessment is in 3 days time,
I have been cutting for 7 months and it gets worst but is my only privacy and coping with all this.

so dont know how to heal, find it incredibly difficult to seek help or trust but for my kids and maybe just a but for me I have to try to get help.

I have no support, loose all my friends after several moths by getting angry with them, dont talk to my parents, only keep spradic contact with my middle sister. its hard living. really a daily painful struggle. But I have 2 lovely children whom I love dearly and i know they love me to.