The past keeps coming back to haunt me.

by AFT
(Jefferson City MO)

I have been in recovery for a few months now. I have not gambled in a very long time. But just when things are looking good and I am starting to feel good about myself the past comes back to slap me back down.

I got a letter from the IRS stating that I owe over 7,000 in taxes for my gambling winnings 2 years ago. I thought that I had gave all the paper work to our tax person. It now appears that I did not and I will have to pay this. But thank god for a wonderfully supporting husband who will pay this for me. I am just so very upset that you can make mistakes and try to do the right thing and then all of a sudden it is right back in your face. However, my husband would not be so supportive if I continued to gamble.

I keep going to counseling and meetings but I am still struggling to reach my real connection with God. I am not sure if I can hold on to trying to reach complete happiness there are just so many issues in my past and now just when I think I have made progress it seems I have to start all over again.

Just wanted to share this with someone, anyone.

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May 01, 2011
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wreckage of the past
by: Anonymous

This is just wreckage from your past that you will learn you have to take care of through doing a thorough 4th and 5th step and get to in the 9th step. It sometimes takes years to get through all of the amends. However the great news is that you the things get much easier to handle. What seems HUGE and OVERWHELMING right now wont seem like that a year from now and 5 years from now you will actually be thankful, YES THANKFUL, for the opportunity to grow from the experience of making right all the wrongs. I owed the IRS 8,000 in back taxes and was on my own and it took me 3 years of monthly payments to pay it off. But I did it and I am so glad I did and no one DID THIS TO ME. I did it all to myself. I learned self reliance and some accountability for my own finances. I am still not great at it but I am getting better day by day. I am almost 10 years sober and it REALLY DOES GET BETTER I PROMISE.

Apr 06, 2011
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It get's better
by: Anonymous

They say addiction is cunning, baffling, and powerful...like it has a mind of its own! It feels like that sometimes, especially in the early phases of recovery. It can feel like something has a hold of you and doesn't want to let you go.

But then, it can be soooo simple -- just connect with your higher power, say a few prayers, and the trouble dissipates -- like it's not so powerful after all! Because you have a Power available to you at all times.

Thanks for reminding us of this AFT! It is the core of recovery. Keep at it...your worth every bit of the struggle and it DOES get better. (just before it gets really good!)

Don

Apr 04, 2011
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Thanks for the comment Angie
by: Anonymous

Angie
Thank you for your comment on this matter. I have taken responsibly for my debt my husband is going to pay it in full however, I am paying him back for it I give him $400 a month and say thank you every day.

Yes you are right about the thoughts I had a very vivid dream that I was gambling the other night. I woke up and said the Lords Prayer 2 times and it went away and I went right back to sleep and got up feeling good. I do struggle with the thoughts but ever time I have the destructive thoughts I say the serenity prayer and the lords prayer. I must be saying them about 20 times a day.

I do not want to relapse I just want to stay on track and thank you for your comments. AFT

Apr 02, 2011
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To: AFT
by: Angie Carter

Be careful...this sounds like a set-up from your "addictive thinking". Things can be going good and we may even have some support from others, but---some of the wreckage from the past jumps up and we have to take care of it and our 'stinking thinking' can start chiming in with little thoughts (that are usually negative) and then that will start dictating some negative feelings and before you know it, boom! relapse.

I am outside of your situation and looks like to me you are on the right track. Accept responsibility for your debt, try not to beat yourself up too much, be grateful for a supportive husband and most importantly - DON'T stop going to meetings and continue your counseling if you can. You will work thru this phase and you'll be SO happy that you stayed steady and came out the other side still in recovery.

Sometimes we hit some low spots in recovery. Don't give up, this too shall pass.
Angie C.

Apr 02, 2011
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Been there-not going back
by: J

I understand how you feel. I, too, have been in recovery, seems like its been 3 yrs now & there are days when I feel like I'm right back at the beginning. It can be overwhelming. This winter was really rough. But. . . over time I have developed my own personal relationship with God, learned to trust Him & to trust others. Its a constant struggle, but when I step back & feel the progress I have made, I would never want to go back to my life 3 yrs ago, when I realize how far I have come, it's simply amazing!! There are times every message on TV, a song on the radio, the pastor's sermon, a magazine article, a conversation with a friend, they're all encouraging me that I have been given a new beginning & my life can be so different, so alive. Don't fall back to relying on yourself, accept the support from family, friends & most of all, God. Never give up!

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