THE NOTORIOUS DAY!

by Artist, Kathleen D. Cone
(Phoenix, Arizona USA)

"When I finally got the courage, to go to the appointment Dan made for me to see a counselor". LCSW

It was hard for me to sleep the day/night before my 1st counseling meeting with Trudy. It wasn't like I wondered what she would be like. I didn't know. But, Dan said she sounded very kind on the phone, when he made the appointment for me.

It was more a subconscious fear of being late and of meeting someone to talk about things I've never told anyone else, or things I've said so many times , I wondered if it could possibly make any difference at all, and of a deep seated fear of psychologists and esp. Shrinks.

I knew our first meeting would be more of an informational gathering. A mix of asking me questions to get an idea of my family history, ideations of mine and was a relaxed and interesting time, because I learned a little about her life as well and that set me at ease.

I want to say that something of great significance happened for me in our 1st meeting, something that I never expected, but a story I want to tell so that I never forget it, myself.

The thing of great significance was that I told Trudy something I'd only recently written to my son about, how as a child, in order to get my parents to stop brutalizing me and after what was obviously a nervous breakdown, I extended the period of my breakdown by faking blindness in order to stop the insanity at home and how it work for about a year.

The interesting thing that triggered the whole nervous breakdown in the first place was this man I saw coming through the glass door as I was singing in the choir class in the hall way of my 5th grade school. When I saw him, his presence frightened me so much it caused me to faint at the sight of him.

I don't know how he fits into anything that has to do with this whole episode in my life, except that it's possible he was one of the disciplinarians at school and I'd been paddled or hit by him or something? I don't actually know. But from that point forward I pretended I could not see and the doctors decided that since it was obvious I could see that I had a mental problem and labeled it as 'Emotional Blindness."

Over the years I called it, "Pulling a Tommy" as in the story from the band "The Who" and what happened to Tommy, "Tommy can you hear me, Tommy can you see me." and all these years I feared ever telling the truth and what would happen to my world if I did.

But, it's what Trudy said to me that actually shocked me: "I'M PROUD OF YOU FOR DOING SUCH A CREATIVE THING TO STOP THE ABUSE!", she said. I'm not sure if those were her exact words because I was so surprised by what she had said.

The 10 year old in me had lied and hid the truth my entire life and for her to tell me she was 'Proud of Me' for doing something so creative, was something I never expected in a million years!

And so, for all these years I've repressed this lie I told. Told it many times as if fact and now I can honestly say, through all the tears of self-compassion her words have caused me since, it struck deep in the heart of the artist that I am today, "I'm proud of you for doing such a creative thing" something an artist cherishes when said with genuine meaning, and I can honestly say that it opened my broken heart and let some love and compassion for myself in for my little 10 year old.

With the deepest of love and devotion to the arts, Kathleen D. Cone