The genetic make up of a family and how addiction keeps haunting me

by cj
(Atlanta, GA)

I am 66 years old and happily married- finally for the third marriage. My Mother drank a fifth of vodka for most of my adolescent years and all my adult years. Each of my two first husbands began to show serious sides of alcoholism and abuse one year into the marriages, but I stayed too long- I was too lonely. Both of my sisters were (admittadly active alcoholics admitting to drinking all day every day and they are now dry, after many years of not being sisters for me. They are great friends now with eachother, but exclude me from their vacations together- I guess they have more in common. Dad died and left 3 inheritances to Mom and she found a 20 year younger alcoholic low class boyfriend to move in on all the money. She left everything to him with nothing for any of her children or grandchildren- not even a piece of jewelry.
My daughter at 16 started with drugs and I raised her first child as a single women working full time and getting a graduate degree. (This grandson is a great man today.) Daughter met another man and had 6 more chidren (2 given up for adoption). I helped her for years financially and still do. My other daughter married into money and her husband is a clean addict now, they work (he is out of work usually 3-4 months every year) but spend twice what they make. His parents pay their bills when they run them up and can't pay their mortgage, and they live high. My son-in-law at 47 still gets a $1000 per month allowance. County club, private lessons for kids and private school for many years is their life. His Mother controls their lives by giving and upstaging anything I can do and brags to me about it even when my daughter doesn't tell me. His Mother has paid up their mortgage over and over. When I do anything for my home she points out how they need help and she does so much. I bought my daughter with the many children a $1000 car last year so she could get to work. My son-in-law questioned me and claimed I should have done the same for the family belonging to the country club and kids in private school and with private tennis and dance lessons. His Mother pays for the luxuries and necessities out of choice, can afford to do these things, but likes to control with her money. I love my grandhchildren, and have a wonderful job, home, friends, hobbies, chruch, health and especially a great husband. But still I am overwhelmed with lonliness from not having the sisters, worry about my daughters and grandkids and wondering when the worrying will end. And when I will be appreciated. I know I was a committed and loving Mother. I probably can't afford to retire for a few years and wish I could be less lonely while in a great marriage.

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Mar 08, 2012
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Original Pain
by: Don

Hi CJ,

I am glad you found your way here. You have earned your place here with that background! By "here" I mean a place where you can learn about the original pain of abandonment and what to do about it.

If you have not already done so, I highly suggest that you go to the link in the left panel that says "The Iceberg Model" and watch the four part presentation... it is full of information you will need to heal the pain you call "loneliness"...

Loneliness is a buzz-word for the original pain that children of less-than-nurturing families experience while growing up. We carry these wounds into adulthood and wonder why the pain doesn't go away.

In order for the pain to subside, the wound needs to be treated so it can begin to heal. Otherwise it just festers and gets worse. Many, if not most, Adult Children of Dysfunctional families do not do anything until they are in mid-life because this is when the pain frequently becomes unbearable and we become willing to reach out.

If you like what you learn in the Iceberg model be sure to then go checkout the Oasis at serenity Cafe' (See the Image on the right panel of this page.) There are tons of tools and resources there for anyone who wants to recover.

Take Care and Blessings to you,
Don

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