the beginning

by girlinrejacket
(Mass)

I always loved reading the why's and the hows of what makes me tick, I knew most of the wiring was done from an extensible abuse from my mother. The verbal certainly out weighed the physical beatings. It has been an encumbrance for fifty years now.
I certainly gave my environment credit for it's own deed'.
My mother was so eager to find a man that was going to be that prince that took her far away. Being aware of her obsession with a man, I felt I was always cautious, the wiring was still screwed up however.
Today, I realized how much credit I had giving men and making bad decision because some where I received that message that men knew better then women. That is simply not true.
While growing up, my head was filled with constant idea that “ Man in power”
I know I am not the only women that heard this.
The father was head of house hold, even god was a father there for a male. Society made the man sound so large and important. they practically shoved it down your throat.
Getting back to my mother, in her actions displayed a notion that a man had all. He and only he would fix things.
Thus giving me some twisted theory, with out my permission thought men were smarter, men were stronger emotionally and they held that torch. I saw the statue of liberty, it is a female.
I am not suggesting that females are smarter, I am not suggesting any thing.
This apply to me. I have been so damn foolish for so long, not relying on my own wits. I had made such horrid mistakes, because I thought a man held the key to the golden doors, where the answers were.
This is why I love reading this website, learning the hows and the whys. I love the way it clicked, why I put MEN on this pedestal. Because I read this site and every time I do, I grow more. Thank you.
I have many stories, that I may tell one day. Being born nine months after my half brother. My mother was a psychopath that had six children, she kept only five.
She would tell you with all confidence, if abortion had been legal. That she would have, only I don't believe that. Otherwise she would not have had any chance in keeping the man. She was never successful at keeping a man, due to her uncanny ability to reduce any man ten feet tall feel as if he was two feet tall.
I did learn many wonderful things from having this type of parent, like I mentioned the verbal abusive is the most devastating, leaving scars that don't seem to heal.
I have over come many obstacle as well as making my way through without becoming an abuser. I was to afraid to move my seat, while I remained to be abused.
I knew the role, I managed to some how make it work that whom ever it was that abused me felt badly enough. That giving me the power. It is very very sick and I do thank the universe that I do not need to do that any more.
I may write again about that. Because I have stayed with a man for 5 years and I do not even like him. He is controlling, mean and isolates me with his manipulation.
I have done all I can to walk away, I just can't yet.
I think, I might feel as if I am walking away from my mom.

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