Thawing Your Relationships

By Don Carter, MSW, LCSW

Thawing Your Relationships, is a book about healing and co-creating healthy, functional relationships for those who grew up in a dysfunctional family. If you relate to this website and would like to have a genuinely happy and functional relationship then this book is for you! If you can relate to the Iceberg Model, or help people who can relate, Thawing Your Relationships is a "must have". Learning to build healthy relationships is a skill that eludes most people who have been raised in a less-than-nurturing family system.




Growing up in a moderate-to-severely dysfunctional family does not offer the necessary training to co-create a healthy, happy & functional relationship. Just as Thawing Adult/Child Syndrome heals your relationship with yourself; Thawing your Relationships helps you heal your relationships with those who are most important to you!

Based upon the idea that "One cannot have a healthy relationship with others until they first develop a healthy relationship with themselves", I highly recommend completing Thawing Adult/Child Syndrome prior to completing Thawing your Relationships.

Click the Links below for Previews of Thawing Your Relationships!

All Books in the Series Include the Iceberg Model (the first 5 Chapters)

  • Chapter 1: "What the hell is wrong with you?" (p.4) Motivation, Dependency Needs, Iceberg Model

  • Chapter 2: Anatomy of an Emotional Wound (p.16) Abandonment, Shame, & Contempt - False Self

  • Chapter 3: The Art of Survival (p.28) External Focus, Impression Management - Invented Self

  • Chapter 4: Who am I Really? (p.36) Imperfect World & Spirituality - True Self

  • Chapter 5: Distractions & Dependencies (p.40) Addictions, Obsessions/Compulsions, and Other Issues


  • Workbook Introduction: Separateness & Connectedness (p.46) Distance & Pursuit; Ego-State Functioning

  • From Section 1.1: Core Issues & Relationships Styles (p.49) Externalizers & Internalizers; Codependents & Counter-Dependents

  • From Section 1.2: Exploring Your Developmental Stages (p.54) Assessing the Development of Psychological Positions & Relationship Styles

  • From Section 1.3: Infatuation & Identification vs. True Intimacy (p.65) Why we Hurt the Ones we Love: Cycles of Abandonment, Shame, and Contempt

  • From Section 1.4: Psychological Sweatshirt's (p.72) Examples of Mixed Messages & Relationship Polarities

  • From Section 2.1: Structuring Time & the Three Hungers of the Inner Child (p.76) Structure Hunger, Stimulus Hunger, & Position Hunger

  • From Section 2.3: Games We Play (p.86) Complimentary & Crossed Transactions

  • From Section 2.3: Distorted Perceptions, Payoffs for Playing Games (p.94) Some Classic Mind Games, Moves, and Payoffs

  • From Section 3.3: Are You Living Life in Reaction? (p.110) Friend or Foe? - Treating Each Other Like an Enemy

  • From Section 3.7: Key Relationship Skills (p.119) Communication & Ego-State Functioning

  • From Section 3.7.6: Analyzing Your Transactions (p.127) Analyzing Communication, Feelings & Emotions

  • From Section 3.8: Moving From Survival-Mode to Growth-Mode (p.135) An Outline for Healing your Relationship


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This information is not a substitute for professional evaluation and/or treatment. Reading the information contained here may trigger strong emotional reactions. If you have an emergency, call 911, other local emergency contact, your local emergency room, or law enforcement agency.