Thank you!

I am so grateful to be reading this at this point in my life. I am in fact thawing, and the pain from my childhood is coming up regularly at work, interfering with my ability to take charge, to be a boss and to protect myself from my employee who bullies me when she recognizes me responding like a hurt child. The only way I have been able to combat this is either to stay angry and defended all day or to put on a performance as another person. This feels inauthentic and uncomfortable, so I often choose to let her bully me.

Reading this -and often after a day of being bullied-I shake my head and recognize that my behaviour is counterproductive. Maybe I do need to fake it till I make it. But I have been faking it my whole life and resent having to do that.And so I keep doing it. Leaving myself unprotected. And more shame ensues.

I recognize myself in your analysis, and am hopeful that I can heal. I have alot of positive qualities and abilities and mostly enjoy my life. This particular wound is asking/ready to be healed.

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Jan 21, 2012
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Defenses are useful too!
by: Don

Hi!

Glad you are finding what you need here. I wanted to say that when we are at work, it is a time to be "in role". We have a professional role to play at work.

Sometimes a relational approach is good (when its emotionally safe and healthy). But other times taking the authority position is called for and that means filling a role as boss. That isn't supposed to feel authentic necessarily.

It is not supposed to feel anything at all in a situation when you must use progressive discipline according to a policy manual - you need to be objective (i.e., stay in your logical thinking brain, not your emotional feeling brain). You can be authentic when you get home or when it is safe and healthy to do it at work.

But this role also means you don't discipline from a dysfunctional externalizing role either. Just a firm, directive, centered approach. Sometimes we need professional mentoring or even therapy to be able to do this.

Don

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