Struggling

I come from a birth family of 6 girls - the oldest was born Epileptic. There are 6 years between myself and the next oldest-the next youngest was born when I was 15 months old- I was 'in the way' and got sent to live with an Aunt, I think this may have saved my life.

On the day that the mental health people came to get my oldest sister, I asked why she was going away and my mother's answer, "Because she is bad and you had better be good" has haunted my entire life. I vacillate between trying very hard to excel and trying to see just how bad I can be.

I am now 54 years old, have been married for 35 years and am a grandma, stress is costing me physical and emotional peace. I have tried counseling several times and I have so far been able to 'fool' the therapist.

It absolutely terrifies me to even think about letting anybody 'see me'. I have found a friend who is a spiritual guide, Reiki expert. I trust her. Perhaps now I can take that first step.

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Sep 03, 2010
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Re-Decide
by: Don

It sounds like your mother gave you an implied message that it would be better if you did not exist. Infants can get that message even without words. This is bad programming and it can get embedded in the neural networks of the mind as an instruction to cease to exist (die).

But even the mind of a child can figure out a way to survive parental injunctions such as don't exist. In your case it sounds like your creative "Little Professor" (aka the subconscious mind) helped you develop a survival strategy that goes something like this... "If I am invisible, then I don't have to die".

But in your adult life all of that is buried very deep so that all you are aware of is a bad feeling when people "see you". Making a decision from you adult self, with the help of a Transactional Analysis practitioner or gestalt therapist can help you do that.

To learn more about "bad programming" check out the link of the same title on the left side of this page.

Take care and keep us informed!
Don Carter

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