still abandoned at 50

by Kelly
(Ft. Lauderdale, Fl)

I was abandoned at 11. Moved into foster home. The mother worked 3 jobs and the father was a teacher much loved by children. He was a wonderful man but beaten down by his dominant wife. She was a good role model for independence but always made you feel if your not working your lazy. She would give me my xmas presents in the basement so others in the family wouldn't see. When ever I needed something she would say "I wouldn't even do that for my own kids". She made me feel separate from everyone.

As the years went on she remodeled her house , new car etc. Even though they worked the state of Maine paid her more than my mother got for 3 kids and never gave more than birthdays or xmas. After being injured on the job and several back surgeries that failed I ended up on the street before the disability kicked in because they would not help me. I never showed empty handed when I visited. All was well when I was ok and they didn't have to lend a helping hand.

I've had to let these people go in my life. They have never been there for me and I know now never will. I'm not family. Trying to recover from giving money to biological brothers to once again be abandoned as to not pay me back. I'm angry and hurt. The only recourse I have to not let them in my life. I forgive them and pray for them but I still hurt because I didn't do anything to cause them to treat me this way. God help me.

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May 23, 2012
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Not abandoned-To Kelly girl
by: Jen

Melody Beattie-"Letting Go"
Accepting Help: January 5
Some of us have felt so alienated that we’ve forgotten we’re not alone. We’ve come to believe that we have to do it ourselves. Some of us have been abandoned. Some have gone without love. Some of us have gotten used to people never being there for us. Some of us have struggled, had hard lessons to learn.
God’s there, always ready to help. There is an ample supply of people to care about us too. We will, if we want it, receive love and support, comfort and nurturing. If we take the risk to ask for it, help is there. We can draw on the strength of our recovery group and allow ourselves to be helped and supported by our Higher Power. Friends will come, good friends.
We aren’t alone. And we don’t have to do it ourselves. We’re not doing it ourselves. There is no shortage of love. Not anymore.
Today, God, help me let go of my need to do it alone and my belief that I am alone. Help me tap into Your Divine Power and Presence, and Your resources for love, support, and friendship. Open my eyes and heart so I can see the love, help, and support that’s there for me. Help me know I am loved.

May 23, 2012
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To Kelly-Melody Beattie-Letting Go
by: Jen

HI Kelly, I found this and it sums up our conversation. It's copied from Meloday Beattie's book called "Letting Go."
Separating from Family Issues: January 4
We can draw a healthy line, a healthy boundary, between ourselves and our nuclear family. We can separate ourselves from their issues.
Some of us may have family members who are addicted to alcohol and other drugs and who are not in recovery from their addiction.
Some of us may have family members who have unresolved codependency issues. Family members may be addicted to misery, pain, suffering, martyrdom, and victimization.
We may have family members who have unresolved abuse issues or unresolved family of origin issues.
We may have family members who are addicted to work, eating, or sex. Our family may be completely enmeshed, or we may have a disconnected family in which the members have little contact.
We may be like our family. We may love our family. But we are separate human beings with individual rights and issues. One of our primary rights is to begin feeling better and recovering, whether or not others in the family choose to do the same.
We do not have to feel guilty about finding happiness and a life that works. And we do not have to take on our family’s issues as our own to be loyal and to show we love them.
Often when we begin taking care of ourselves, family members will reverberate with overt and covert attempts to pull us back into the old system and roles. We do not have to go. Their attempts to pull us back are their issues. Taking care of ourselves and becoming healthy and happy does not mean we do not love them. It means we’re addressing our issues.
We do not have to judge them because they have issues; nor do we have to allow them to do anything they would like to us just because they are family.
We are free now, free to take care of ourselves with family members. Our freedom starts when we stop denying their issues, and politely, but assertively, hand their stuff back to them—where it belongs—and deal with our own issues.
Today, I will separate myself from family members. I am a separate human being, even though I belong to a unit called a family. I have a right to my own issues and growth; my family members have a right to their issues and a right to choose where and when they will deal with these issues. I can learn to detach in love from my family members and their issues. I am willing to work through all necessary feelings in order to accomplish this.

May 23, 2012
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Kelly girl
by: Jen

Hey thanks so much!! Wow Jewel-I really like that. Isn't it so weird when people can't be compassionate. My favourite quote from friends-which reminds me of the book of Job- when his friends say" why can't you just get over it?" Well that just doesn't work in life. Each thing/hurt/issue-needs to be looked at in our own time and with our own processing. It doesn't matter how old or young you are when you start processing either. I was 25 when I first went to a counsellor- and it was the first time I had really been listened to and not judged or told to get over it. My natural inclination is to sweep all pain and discomfort under the carpet-and just try and get over it-but it doesn't work!!! Doing that is really toxic-literally-for our health, our immune system, and our joy of life. It doesn't matter how long it takes Kelly -gal- you are not alone in being brave in sorting out the crap of the past. When the crap of the past is affecting current living-that's when it's time to start facing it and then we can live life to the full. I am 40 and say it's not too late for us!!I will be praying for you that doors will open and that you will have life in abundance. xo Jen

May 23, 2012
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Jen=Jewel
by: Kellygilr

I have to say, that when I tell parts of my life story to others that have not been abandoned , they simply say "Why don't you just forgive and move on?" I certainly have forgiven them but to move on is not simple. I'm not sure we can forget our parents. It would be a lot more simple if they were dead then the choice wouldn't be there, but the fact that they choose not to love their children and ruin their self esteem for life seems impossible. At 50 I still struggle with why? I would physically hurt someone if they did anything to my cat or my bird let alone my kids. Anyway, a lot to continue to work on. Thanks for the positive response and letting me get this out. Much love to all who suffer and continue to spread the love. Kellygirl

May 23, 2012
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To Kellygirl
by: Anonymous

Wow-it seems you are looking up and seeing a new perspective. It made me cry to read of what you have been through and even more to hear that there is love in your life!! Yes you do have hope, and don't forget that. I am so thankful for your honesty today- and what I wrote to you was from what I have had to learn. Others may try and define us and have weird reactions and even abuse us, but they cannot take what is not theirs to take- and that is our dignity. Being good friends to ourselves and showing this love to us and others is what gives us dignity. We all have a story to tell that can make a difference in the lives of others, and what you shared today, and the conversation we have had, has made a difference to my life!! Keep looking up. Jen

May 23, 2012
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To Anonymous
by: To Anonymous

Hi there, it was nice to read what you wrote. I have to tell you, what I wrote was a snippet of the heartache. It went far beyond with rape, drug abuse, fail marriage and younger brother as early as last Sept. tried to take his life after the 10th time landing on my doorstep once again to help him. Please know I took custody of him when I was 18 which changed our relationship from sister to mother and a lot of resentment to follow. I wish I could have done more but I was limited to say the least. I sometimes know I'm loved, today isn't a good day, doing battle with a scam artist who scammed me out of a lot of money. God is with, God is with , who can be against me! I'm glad to be able to write about this, maybe this will help with my major frustration. I appreciate any and all comments. I appreciate the time you take to help me and others. Kellygirl

May 23, 2012
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reply to abandoned at 50
by: Anonymous

Hi you sound like you have been on a huge journey, and its so cool that you are writing here. I have a tendency to go into hiding when people have hurt me. It's the only way I know to keep emotionally and physically safe from people. In a way this has protected me- BUT only to a point. We have learnt a lot of ways to keep people away and to keep us safe-but some of those ways don't work anymore(shouting, hiding who we are, negative thinking, sulking etc, etc) Instead: We can set boundaries with people(read Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend), and learn to be kind to ourselves.
I know because of my wounds from childhood/abandonment issues- I have a lot of work to do. I am learning to tell people who I am, and not hide the true self. I am also learning to identify my feelings-which I was told in my childhood were not allowed.
You can't help it that you were fostered. But remember our parents don't define us now! God or your higher power can define you and change you. You can define you. There are people who love you- go to them. If you love yourself-and know you are loved-then you can start to flourish. You are loved!!!! Not abandoned. Don't hide anymore-please.

May 23, 2012
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Giving Thanks
by: Kellygirl

Thank you for your uplifting comments. I have come to realize all that you said. I have recently been reunited with friends that helped me when I was on the street at age 12. Now that were older we still love and know that we are each others family. How wonderful is that. My holy Father in heaven reveals to me wonderful things. He said" If your mother and father forsake you I will adopt you as my own" . Awesome. I find that no matter what has happened in my past I still have great love to give and I find much happiness in my heart knowing that. Everyday is a new day, some not as easy as others yet another day to get to know me better and to be better and content. Thanks and many blessings to come your way always.

May 23, 2012
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Don't be a Victim
by: Anonymous

You have been given a hard way to go. You are now much wiser and have the experience in which to make good choices for yourself. Your caretakers were wounded people. They did not know how to share love unconditionally. Relationships are two way streets. When you notice that the fllow is only in one direction you are right to limit your exposure to the users and takers. They are not emotionally healthy. You cannot do anything about someone else's behavior-you have no control over other people -but you do have that power over yourself. Even though others may have abandoned you... Don't abandon yourself. You are responsible for yourself. No one else is. Good luck. Wishing you the best. Namaste.

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