Should I still want "daddy" to be a part of my 18 mo old son's life? Biological father is now entering the family..

by Jessica
(Orlando)

Here's the background. And please, forgive me ahead of time for doing what I've done with my marriage. I care about my son more than anything though and now want to prevent him from feeling abandoned altogether if possible and am trying to figure out the best way to do that...

T H E B A C K G R O U N D:
- I was married but fell in love with someone else and was having an affair.

- I got pregnant but thought my husband was the father.

- I gave birth to my son, and raised him alongside my husband while still having the affair.

- 18 months after my son was born, the affair was discovered by my husband. He had a paternity test done and found out he wasn't the father afterall.

- My husband and I are getting a divorce now. I will be in a relationship with the other man and very likely in the future, be getting married to him.

- He, the biological father, has always been very involved in my son's life seeing him multiple times a week as we were all family friends and at each other's houses often.

- The biological father does want to assume the role of my son's dad. And my husband is unsure if/how he wants to remain a part of his life.

Its been 2 months since the affair came out and a little over a month since my son has seen my husband (the man who he knows as his "daddy"). It seems as if my son is generally a bit uncertain about things and sad. But he's also teething so honestly, its hard to tell the difference between this and general crankiness due to teething pain..


M Y Q U E S T I O N S :
How is the best way to handle/transition my soon to be ex-husband and my future husband (the biological father) as they move in/out of my son's life?

If my husband is willing to, should I let/want him to continue to be a part of my son's life?

And if he doesn't want to long term, should he gradually transition out over a few months, or would it be better to not have them together at all any more? (its already been a month since they've seen each other.)

Thank you so much!

Comments for Should I still want "daddy" to be a part of my 18 mo old son's life? Biological father is now entering the family..

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Sep 09, 2011
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You're Welcome!
by: Don

That's Great Jessica! Keep going and growing, you won't be sorry!

Sep 08, 2011
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Thank you!
by: Jessica

I sincerely appreciate your insightful words and consideration. I am working with a therapist to ensure I stay emotionally healthy through all this and agree with everything you said. Thank you again!

Sep 08, 2011
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Secrets & Starting over...
by: Don Carter

There have already been too many secrets. Starting right now there needs to be honesty, clarity, and structure for your son to thrive and grow. 18 months is very early in the game. Any changes you are going to make need to be made now to minimize the wounding process.

Yes, take into account how attached your son is to your ex-husband. But since it has already been a month since he has seen him, and he is not certain about being involved anyway, now would be a good time to make that transition permanent by not putting them together... especially if it is only for a brief moment and especially not until/unless he is absolutely sure he wants to maintain a role.

If your ex wants to be back in the picture FOR SURE later on then you can re-acquaint them. (But not as a way to stay involved with you - keep a boundary there)

You are demonstrating a lot of the boundary issues that come from growing up in a chaotic or otherwise dysfunctional family (falling in love during your marriage, being confused now about boundaries with your ex-husband, friends becoming lovers, frequently at other peoples houses,etc.) Kids, especially babies, need structure and predictability among other things.

As you begin to add structure, honesty, and predictability to your son's environment, I would also suggest that you seek help to uncover, discover, and recover from your own wounds now...while he is still young. So you can both grow together.

And about him going through life un-scarred? Not likely; besides if he grows up without any adversity how is he going to know what to do when he encounters it after he leaves home?

You sound like you have the makings of a truly great mother! But it takes more than good intentions to be one...Taking care of yourself is one of the best things you can do for your son.


Sep 07, 2011
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Just to be sure: Answer
by: Jessica

He is 18 months old now. And I don't have any other kids, but my son's real father has one son who is two years old.

Sep 07, 2011
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Just to be sure...
by: Don Carter

How old is your son now and are there other children?

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