Self Worth vs. Illusions of Self Hatred

by Elizabeth

I just realized that the pain of abandonment, the tendency to try to control my environment so I won't feel the pain out of mere survival, the lack of basic human needs being met as a child is separate from the value I have as a person! I can't attach shame or self hatred or self loathing or beat myself up for things I have unconsciously done out of the habit of survival.

If I agree, as the Iceberg Model so clearly illustrates, that who I am, my true self, is separate from the pain, the shame, and the resentment of it all, then I can take responsibility for some of the impact my pain, shame, resentment may have had on myself and others but it doesn't mean I am any less valuable because I acted on creative survival skills to get my basic human needs met as a child. AND!!! If I chose to take responsibility for the impact of all this, including forgiving the authors of it all, doesn't that only increase my integrity and quality as a person?!?!

Hmmmm.... interesting stuff!!!!

Comments for Self Worth vs. Illusions of Self Hatred

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

May 01, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I did the best that I could do ! my moms favorite sentence
by: lani johnson

No, they did the best they could do for themselve's.

If it was for the kids we wouldnt have to deal with what I consider to be the worst form of child abuse.

I remembered as a pre-teen girl fantasizing about being in a wheel-chair completletly dependent on my mother, I could never understand why I constantly ran that movie over & over in my head curious to how she would be or not be. Years later in therapy I learned why It was I fantasized this bizarre dream, It was to see if she would be any different towards me or would she just ignore me as she did everyday.

I was so desperate for her love I grew-up believing I was a Drama-Queen (mom called me)when I would tell her the days events that my younger brothers & I had. I hated her for conveniently shutting off a safe heaven for her children & calling me names that I was exaggerating some of the events I dealt with when she was not home a.m. /p.m. One nite a women drunk routinely called our home threatening harm to my Brothers & I, she would prank our house & scared the hell out of me 12 yrs old at the time. One of the many times the lady called @ 5;00a.m. & Im embarrassed to say my mother hadnt even come home, all this time she was leaving us unsupervised & refused to give us an emergency # "she said we would bug her all nite".

Years of my own self hatred for believing all the names I grew to believe were true, just damaged the very Core of me and @ 50yrs old I still fight to work towards a healthy balance.

I was raised w/not one of these things I'm listing below: boundaries,structure/advice,no-one to confide in/ build self worth &/self-esteem/safe environment/help w/boys/friendships were a real dilemma when you've moved to over 20 schools.

All of these are just a tiny few and are enormous Dangers to a women entering into a World she knew nothing about surviving.

Molested/(uncle)Raped(boss) trusting the ones who said they Loved me, Many yrs later confiding in my Mother of these Trauma's all she did was conveniently forget & dismiss & wash her hands of my trials once I tried to commit suicide & she no/showed that too. I have no relationship w/her ( my choice) She never deserved me or my brothers & she never appreciated what we endured & unconditionally loved her for.

Jan 22, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Thanks, Kathleen!
by: Elizabeth

Kathleen,

Thank you so much for your validation and for sharing your experience, strength and hope. So much of this seems foreign to a lot of people, as it did once with me, so to have input and insight from others who really understand (and have lived to share it with others, smile) is immeasurably helpful.

Your blind story is very creative and also a wonderful model of good attitude (referring to your counselor who understood the creative reasoning behind your desperation...what a GIFT that must have been for you, your counselor catching that). It reminds me of the what seems like odd, weird things to survive, but I love the creative perspective on it all. The art of survival, eh?

Thanks again and please keep coming back :-)
E-


Jan 21, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
The Notorious Day
by: Kathleen D. Cone

Elizabeth, I want to share a link to a story I posted here on Don's site that I think will mean a lot to you. I have the sense from what you wrote that you might have been a lot like me as a child. I hope it encourages you in a million different ways.

http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/the-notorious-day.html

Jan 21, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
You are Priceless
by: Kathleen D. Cone

"If I agree, as the Iceberg Model so clearly illustrates, that who I am, my true self, is separate from the pain, the shame, and the resentment of it all, then I can take responsibility for some of the impact my pain, shame, resentment may have had on myself and others but it doesn't mean I am any less valuable because I acted on creative survival skills to get my basic human needs met as a child. AND!!! If I chose to take responsibility for the impact of all this, including forgiving the authors of it all, doesn't that only increase my integrity and quality as a person?!?!"

INDEED IT DOES! If you consider how creative you had to be just to survive...(the good,bad and even the ugly) even if the child in you, at that time did not understand how courageous you actually were. The adult in you can now look back as see this amazing child, who chose to live and struggle and survive against the odds... that is truly amazing! I know, because I am one of these surviors too! And it took some amazing fetes for me to get this far, given the obsticles it took to overcome and turn out to be the person I am today! It's something to be very proud of yourself for! Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life! *hugs Kathy


Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to The Iceberg Discussion Forum.