I waited and waited for years for people to treat me the way I thought I wanted to be treated. But, as soon as someone treated me 'good' I lost interest in them. Then I would return to seeking out people who would treat me poorly. This made no logical sense to me, but I kept repeating the pattern.
In childhood I was taught to always put other people first and myself last. To do otherwise was at least 'selfish' and at worse, 'an affront to God'. There is no blame or fault in this. I know my parents were doing the best they could at that time with what they knew and had to work with. They could only pass on what they had been taught. No one ever thought to question the teaching.
It is ironic in the extreme that the way I saved my life was to almost loose it. I turned to alcohol to help me cope with life. It seemed to be magic at first, but it led me down a long road of addiction. My drinking became so bad that reached a point where I did not feel that I could live if I continued to drink, and that I could not live if I stopped.
I entered a treatment program. This was the best thing that had ever happened to be. I began to learn there that recovery was not just about not drinking. It was also about everything else. I slowly learned that it is my responsibility to re parent myself and to love me. I am so thankful to the people at the center that helped me get on the road to recovery and happiness.
Recovery is a journey. Getting started is the hardest part. Sometimes the path is bumpy. The effort is always worth it. When I first got to treatment, the staff said. "Let us love you until you can begin to love yourself." Thank God for them.