Repetative Abandonment

by Dorine
(Germantown, MD)

Most drs I saw could not relate to my situation and understand there was a problem at all. I'm 66 yrs old but still feel afraid. Orphaned early and mentally abused by an aunt after death of my mother, she left me in an orphanage when she became ill.

Prior to her arrival I lived in 21 foster homes. Always leaving toys and friends behind was devastating. Soon clung to dark corners for safety. Molested once in one home. I was beaten by a large group of girls in the orphanage for being white during the year of the Martin Luther King march.

My pressing question is after the beating for the first time in my life I felt relief. So far only mentally I daily curse myself for being unable to function in the real world and stay away from social events and challenges. I think of the physical beating years ago and long for that kind of release again.

Diagnosed as bipolar and going through a normal life crisis now. What key thoughts can I entertain to keep my negative needs in check? Thank you.