Repetative Abandonment

by Dorine
(Germantown, MD)

Most drs I saw could not relate to my situation and understand there was a problem at all. I'm 66 yrs old but still feel afraid. Orphaned early and mentally abused by an aunt after death of my mother, she left me in an orphanage when she became ill.

Prior to her arrival I lived in 21 foster homes. Always leaving toys and friends behind was devastating. Soon clung to dark corners for safety. Molested once in one home. I was beaten by a large group of girls in the orphanage for being white during the year of the Martin Luther King march.

My pressing question is after the beating for the first time in my life I felt relief. So far only mentally I daily curse myself for being unable to function in the real world and stay away from social events and challenges. I think of the physical beating years ago and long for that kind of release again.

Diagnosed as bipolar and going through a normal life crisis now. What key thoughts can I entertain to keep my negative needs in check? Thank you.

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Oct 08, 2010
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Dorine
by: Anonymous

my thanks to Kathie for her input. I have always been a Christian there is no way I could have survived otherwise. I'm not sure if it's the bipolar or PTS that at times I think I'm not not worthy of God, I've recently fallen in love and as usual I find ways to push it away because I'm afraid I'd ruin their life because I'm not able to maintain self esteem and don't want to burden them with that complication. Thanks to God I was able to maintain a 40 yr relationship with a wonderful man who passed away six years ago. That and the death of two pets and having to sell my home and move to an apartment alone have unbalanced my coping skills . I'm finding this way of sharing a valuable experience. It helps me see myself from an outside perspective. I hope I can help someone else you never know. Thanks loads, Dorine

Oct 08, 2010
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NO ONE CAN HURT YOU NOW
by: KATHIE GRACE

I'm sorry you went through such a tough time as a child. You really went through hard times. You don't need to punish yourself, you didn't do anything wrong. You aren't that little child anymore, so don't allow yourself to stay a victim. You need to learn to love yourself, your worth it. For a long time I couldn't love myself, because of the core wound of abandonment.
Now I know, it was no fault of mine for what happened to me as a child. I'm a christian, so I rely on the unconditional love of God and the scripture, when thy father and thy mother forsake thee, then I will take the up.

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