Raised by my grandparents

My grandparents began raising me at a very young age. They were very supportive and encouraged me to do anything that I was able to do. I felt very loved by them. I never knew my father and felt that he really did not love me or he would have had a part in my life. My mother lived in another city. She had another child that she gave up for adoption. I did not meet her until I was about sixteen years old. She eventually ended up in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and raised another child with this man.

Although I did see my mother sometimes, it was a series of broken promises about coming to see me. Many times she came to my grandparents house only to get money. My grandparents had two children remaining at home, and I again felt abandonment of close relatives when they went to college. To this day, I have never said anything bad about my mother. I have been in counseling, but I have avoided this issue. My grandmother explains to me that this issue is like poison in my body which I must release, but I have been unable to do so.

In high school I had a boyfriend who was very understanding and giving. He had a bright future, but I broke up with him when I started college. I became involved in unhealthy relationships and did not choose my friends wisely. I eventually became pregnant. I have been involved with the baby's father since his birth. I am currently living with him. It is a very unhealthy situation for me and my child. He works very infrequently, and I am working two jobs to pay our bills. He constantly berates me and uses horrible language in front of our child to the point my three years old calls me a bitch in addition to hitting, kicking, and biting. He takes care of our child while I am working, and does nothing to educate him. He is a very intelligent child but does not exhibit the intelligence because he does not work with him. He has tried to control me and I have lost all of my friends as a result. He tries to keep me from seeing my family and constantly berates them. My grandparents help me considerably and bought me a car. He kept driving the car without insurance and a driver's license, so my grandmother took the car back.

I know this relationship is bad for me, but I cannot seem to leave. I have a place to go. Many of my family members have offered to help me, but I just cannot seem to leave. What is going on?

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Mar 06, 2011
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Compelled to Suffer...
by: Anonymous

Hello Anonymous,

Angie is right on when she says codependency is "what's going on". Codependency is an addiction too! When we find ourselves trapped in a situation we don't really want to be in that's a good sign that subconscious programming is at work.

There is sure to emotional wounds from childhood in the center of what is going on. the addiction of codependency keeps us focused on external things (Like a problem partner) so that our attention is distracted from the pain INSIDE.

One way to tell if you have pain in there is to take some time everyday and just sit with yourself and let your attention drift inward. Don't have any distractions -- no TV, no stereo playing, no kids running around, no sounds or outer distractions at all.

If you can do this for 15 to 20 minutes a day and remain comfortable then I am wrong about this. But if you can't remain comfortable -- well, let's just say you'll have a better idea of what this relationship keeps you distracted from.

Now, even knowing that is not enough for recovery. You would need to reach out for support from others in your local community who know abo9ut these things to show you the way out. A counselor is a good start, then a 12-step group like CoDA is a great follow up to that.

May you find your way into recovery soon!

Don

Mar 01, 2011
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To Raised by my Grandparents
by: Angie Carter

Thank you for taking the time to share with us what is happening and your desire to know what is going on. Sounds like quite a lot is going on. You sound like an intelligent, caring individual who is caught in the tangled web of codependency.
This issue can leave us just as powerless as an alcoholic or addict. I would encourage you to watch the Iceberg Model powerpoint presentation on this website. It is going to make a lot of sense to you and you will have an understanding of what is being played out in your life today.
Trying to 'get out' of these situations are very difficult but not impossible. If you have family willing to help and they have the resources for you to get into therapy that may prove to be beneficial. If not, educate yourself and try to seek out a support group if possible (CoDA- Codependents Anonymous)
Please let us know how you are doing from time to time - or what you think after you watch the Iceberg Model.
Angie Carter

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