Prison with no walls..

(Florida)

I have been trying to solve and understand my life ..Is it Karma, God ? past lives? I have been meditating almost 12 years...There were times I will stay 8 hours my eyes closed...
No desire to interact with other people, no desire to socialize, just stay home...I found greatness in this solitary.

One of those lost days I realized I am a sensitive soul and artistic and I started to paint...Paint like crazy...I was depressed, can't get close to people. Desperately trying to find someone...Forget about relationship... i can't even hold a second date.

Let me make one thing clear, I am 38 years old, good looking woman, I have a good education, stable professional job... That's why I never think something wrong with me. I decided to solve problem by online dating, painting, crying, reading about consciousness, about oneness.

Eventually I moved from I want to die to life is good, law of attraction, positive thinking. But I am still not social person, I have a couple close friends. After I lost my mom, I dated more than 6 months actually lived with him who has blue eyes like my father, has 2 girls like my father and broke like my father. It should hit me that time guy was personification of my father..But it didn't...

I still had a problems with my sister..And looking for a guy has blue eyes...I had my Reiki II, then I had a shamanic workshop which shaman performed extraction on me. I have to say all these spiritual things helped me big time. I finally had a date with a guy I had crash on a long time.

In a second date , I realized how I turned into an 8 years old girl..I finally saw what I had been doing all those time. Guy has blue eyes and emotionally unavailable like my father..Of course another broken heart of me. But i am on right track..Now..I have to go deeper to my childhood, and find the programming.

As you can guess, I am coming from very dysfunctional family... My parents divorced when I was a teenager...There was always arguments, punishment, blaming, judgment..I don't have much memory of my childhood. But I remember my mom locked me to the restroom as a punishment. I was scared very much from my mom...So I guess I decided to be a really good girl..Good grades. But I don't remember my parents hold me, kiss me, saying loving words..I only have one single pic of me as a baby..Never celebrated birthdays...

Anyway..But I think real reason of me not want to leave my home is the fact that my father committed a financial crime and sentenced to jail..I didn't born in USA. That I came from this is a big shame...VERY BIG SHAME..Even today, my closest friends from college don't know about my father. And I remember about a time one day I locked myself in to a closet up until my mom found me and pulled me out. I believe that day I imprisoned myself like my father.

These days I am trying to reprogram my sweet childhood, imagining I have a very loving, supporting parents..Trying to feel very safe..But I am still not sure how I can undo prison..I had been wired like this and I don't think this is a overnight healing..Any suggestions? Thanks...

One last thing, even tough my mom was emotionally not available , in just survival mode, trying to met needs, she didn't left us and to the last day she did her best try to be there for us..She died from bone cancer in a horrible way...