Physical and emotional abandonment.

by Lee
(Maryland)

Two years ago I became friends with a man that I like and admired very much. I wanted to date him from the very beginning but I wanted to get to know him and I wanted him to pursue me. About 8 months ago my friend began to tell me how he felt about me. I was excited because I always liked him. We became closer and began spending more time together talking and getting to know each other. Then I noticed that the time we spent together was usually during the day. He was not available on evenings and weekends. He was having money problems so were unable to go out.

We talked about entering into a sexual relationship however he appeared to be uncomfortable talking about the subject. Then I found out that he was in a relationship with another women for the past 6 years. I was very upset because we had been seeing each other for 3 months. I asked him why he started a relationship with me when he new he was already in a relationship with someone else and that they had a sexual relationship, we did not.During this time my friends brother was dying and I supported him emotionally. Then his brother died and I found out that he had been lying to me about his financial situation. We were both emotionally attached to each other. After his brother died and do to serious business and personal problems my friend became distant.

For years we talked daily and we spent time together, about 6 weeks ago he stopped calling and would not answer the phone or return my calls, I felt hurt, pain, depressed, sad lonely, fearful. Since he would not talk to me I pursued him and forced him to talk to me, he did not like this he wanted to be in control and talk to me when he was ready. He said he felt emotionally attached to me and he expressed guilt about his lying and dishonesty. He stated that he did not want me to see him this way. I saw that he was in a lot of pain. I also saw how his need to control, selfish attitude, pride and ego played out in our relationship. He said that what he was going thru was not about me and although I new this I still felt bad. I felt physically and emotionally abandoned.

I continued to call and email him for several weeks even though he did not respond. I needed to let him know how I felt. I have not seen or heard from him in a month. I am feeling better but I do not know what to do now? What do I do and say when he is ready to talk? How can I continue to be friends or even date someone who has broken my trust? How do I let go and move on? Do I give him another chance.

This situation helped me to realize that I have emotional and physical abandonment, my mother was not their emotionally for me and she left my father, siblings for several years. Why do I continue to attract men who are not available to be in a relationship with me? How do I protect myself in the future? I am 58 years old, I was married for 5 years to a man who was present physically but not emotionally. I have been divorced for more that 20 years and Have not had a healthy relationship with anyone. I would like to find love, companionship and marriage.

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May 26, 2011
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Distance and Pursuit
by: Don

Hi Lee,

There is a link called "Distance & Pursuit" under the "At the Waterline" section of the Navigation panel on the left side of this page. Distance & Pursuit is a game we play to re-experience the dynamics of abandonment, shame, and contempt.

I say game because it is a psychological and relationship game. These games are not played for fun and no one wins anything. Quite the contrary as you are finding out.

This relationship is not going to change if YOU don't change -- heal your original pain so your subconscious mind (aka little professor) doesn't have to keep setting up ways for you to act it out over and over again.

He must also change in order to be able to do something different. All of this change usually requires help and information. Seek BOTH!

Don Carter

May 18, 2011
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physical and emotional abandonment
by: Anonymous

I really enjoyed the article, It really spoke to some things I am going through

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