Our kids are killing our relationship!!!

by John
(Illinois)

I am a 53yo retired male, I am a twice divorced with one 17yo teenager with me. My girlfriend is 47yo is four time divorced with four kids all over eighteen. Their ages are from 19,21,22 and 26, the 22yo and 19yo live with us, as my 17yo. We have had a on again off again relationship.

Her two boys 21 and 22 despise me because of the job I did prior to retirement(law enforcement) we get along as long as I don't say anything bout their pot usage. Her 19yo hates me because her mother and I fight a lot.

My 17yo despises my girlfriend. He firmly believes that she is using me to get what she wants (what ever that is). He is a typical 17yo exploring new everything and by no means perfect. I believe that my son's hatred towards my girlfriend is based on built up anger towards his mother when she walked out on us four years ago.

My explained to me that she had a very bad child hood where as she was put up for adoption when she was a baby and was adopted by her aunt and raised by her aunt until the age of ten then adopted back by her mother and stepfather. she told me that she was physically and mentally abused by her parents from the age of ten till she turned 18 when she moved out.

She accuses me of being passive aggressive and I believe she is an enabler because she she will not force her older kids out on their own or further education(get their GED or college),or a better full time. Recently my son and her got into a argument where as her 21yo son and my son were just throwing blows. There is very much more to this. I want it to work between us but I am lost as to what to do!!

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Jan 31, 2011
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Blended Families...
by: Don Carter

Hi John,

Blending two families is tough to do under any circumstances. Add to that all the abandonment experienced by the kids on both sides, and the abandonment wounds of you & your girlfriend -- you have a combustible situation just waiting for a match.

Reading about abandonment and learning everything you can is a good start...but healing it is another story. Wounded people, wound people; and it becomes difficult to trust with wounds from the past getting triggered by toxic relationships.

Therapy and recovery groups are the best medicines for the kind of pain you are talking about. How does your girlfriend feel about getting into therapy? How do YOU feel about it?

Therapy is not usually very helpful unless the participants are willing to give it a chance.

Awaiting your reply,
Don

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