Once Loved

by Michaela

I grew up in a broken home. My parents had been separated since before I could remember. It was just a way of life for me. Both my mother and father loved me dearly.

As I grew older (around 12-13 maybe) I noticed the hostility between them. They would make me chose who to spend holidays/birthdays with. I was always so torn. My mother had convinced me over the years that my father had abandoned us when I was a baby. I grew to be distrustful of him. I hated him for hurting my mother and for leaving us.

At age fifteen I decided to live permanently with my mother. I was convinced she was the victim and could no longer take the "tug-of-war" they were having over me. One year later (at age 16) I came home from work to find my mother gone. Our house was empty, the door was locked, and I was completely alone.

We kept in contact by phone. She told me time and time again that "everything.. all of this is your fault. You are a bad kid. A bad daughter. A bad example to your brothers. You are worthless."
In an effort to "prove how ugly of a child" I was, she made copies of my diary and mailed it to my friends, family, and church members.

I was so hurt and angry that she left and lied to me that I was determined to prove her wrong. I home-schooled myself my senior year, made co-manager at our local dairy queen, and married the love of my life (all at age 18). Life could not have been better for me.

After I accomplished all she told me I never would I felt empty. I am still empty. I still cry at night. I still wonder what it was that I did to make her leave (she was my best friend).

I am now 22 with a great life, career, and loving husband. I have since made peace with my Father. Even after five years I am terrified of being forgotten. I have never recovered from my abandonment. I honestly do not know if I ever will.

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Dec 25, 2010
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C. is right on target
by: Don Carter

Hi Michaela,

C. from Europe is right on target... You have been seriously wounded in a way that will stick with you forever if you choose not to attend to it. These wounds can fester and grow even when you don't notice it.

We have a way of periodically "recycling" issues from the past every 12 to 13 years. It is our subconscious mind's way of offering up opportunities to heal and "do things differently this time". So you might be doing fine for a few years only to have these "issues" get triggered and pop up, seemingly out of nowhere.

Something tells me you are one of those people who won't surrender to this problem haunting you for long. If you want to start now, look for an Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting (ACA). They have now added: ..."and other dysfunctional families" to there name because woundedness is universal and many others started showing up for the meetings even though they were not from alcoholic home -- I guess dysfunction is dysfunction.

Here is a link to their website: (Just copy and paste it to your browser address bar)

http://www.adultchildren.org/

Therapy, Codependents Anonymous (CoDA), and other community support groups are also helpful for recovery. Here is a link to CoDA:

http://www.coda.org/

and here is a link to my free EBook on Abandonment issues:

http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/thawing-the-iceberg.html#ebook

Take Care,
Don


Dec 13, 2010
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you will learn to love yourself
by: Anonymous

Hi Michaela,

Your story moved me.Even though you had a tough childhood you transcended your feelings of worthlessness and have made something of yourself.
My own parents made me feel bad about myself, although i realise today it was there own feeling of inadequacy and shame they were transfering to me.
I can identify with your emptiness. Nothing will ever take this away until you heal from the pain of your early abandonment. You have taken the first step on an amasing journey of healing . best of luck.

C. (Europe)

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