Once Loved

by Michaela

I grew up in a broken home. My parents had been separated since before I could remember. It was just a way of life for me. Both my mother and father loved me dearly.

As I grew older (around 12-13 maybe) I noticed the hostility between them. They would make me chose who to spend holidays/birthdays with. I was always so torn. My mother had convinced me over the years that my father had abandoned us when I was a baby. I grew to be distrustful of him. I hated him for hurting my mother and for leaving us.

At age fifteen I decided to live permanently with my mother. I was convinced she was the victim and could no longer take the "tug-of-war" they were having over me. One year later (at age 16) I came home from work to find my mother gone. Our house was empty, the door was locked, and I was completely alone.

We kept in contact by phone. She told me time and time again that "everything.. all of this is your fault. You are a bad kid. A bad daughter. A bad example to your brothers. You are worthless."
In an effort to "prove how ugly of a child" I was, she made copies of my diary and mailed it to my friends, family, and church members.

I was so hurt and angry that she left and lied to me that I was determined to prove her wrong. I home-schooled myself my senior year, made co-manager at our local dairy queen, and married the love of my life (all at age 18). Life could not have been better for me.

After I accomplished all she told me I never would I felt empty. I am still empty. I still cry at night. I still wonder what it was that I did to make her leave (she was my best friend).

I am now 22 with a great life, career, and loving husband. I have since made peace with my Father. Even after five years I am terrified of being forgotten. I have never recovered from my abandonment. I honestly do not know if I ever will.