Oh so nice " friend"

by Cecelie
(Uk)

One friend / postpones night out ,gives a flimsy reason ,goes out with her ex
Other four friends continually allow this, are they enabling unacceptable behavior?

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May 22, 2016
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Friends ?
by: Anonymous

We all have the ability to pick the friends we want to hang with, when we do this we need to except them for who they are. Or we just let the friendship fall by the wayside. A friend is a person who is there through thick an thin. Yes, we do not always agree with their actions or behavior. Some people can not change according to our expectations. This is why it is wise not to put expectations on other people's lives .
However, if our friends actions is hindering our lives, that is a totally different situation. If our life's are affected by a friends actions in a negative way, we must have expectations.
We expect to be treated with love and kindness, most of all to be accepted for who we are. With the hope for room to grow into who we were meant to be.

Your friend is working out an issue that was not sealed. If it becomes a habit maybe confront her, what she needs is a friend to talk to without feeling judged.

May 21, 2016
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Boundaries...
by: Don

Hi Cecelie,

Good question. In my opinion, once is not a problem. But two, three, four, etc. is tolerating behavior that may not be acceptable to YOU.

If you think of boundaries as a circle, you can draw a circle and say "anything inside this circle is acceptable to me. But if anyone steps outside this circle, then it is unacceptable to me."

Now, setting the boundary is only part of good boundaries... it is what you DO if someone violates that boundary that counts.

For example, if someone steps outside the circle and you do nothing, then you have "tolerated" the behavior and it automatically makes the circle big enough for the tolerated behavior -- (which is enabling.)

Before long, if tolerating the behavior becomes a habitual response, the person eventually steps outside the new circle and it gets bigger, so they step out again and it gets bigger, and so on.

Suddenly you realize you are tolerating things that are TOTALLY unacceptable and wondering "how in the world did I get into this mess?"

A good habitual response would be to be assertive and tell the person that is not acceptable to you. If they do it again, then you provide a consequence, such as "I am not scheduling time with you anymore."

Yes, people will leave. If you have abandonment issues you will have trouble with saying no or providing consequences for boundary violations.

Not being able to say no sets you up to enable all kinds of bad behavior and draws people to you who won't respect your boundaries. In that case, see a counselor or go start attending Codependents Anonymous Meetings...

Or contact Angie or me. We offer a free 15 to 20 minute coaching session by phone to discuss it and will give recommendations.

Thanks for the question!

With regards,
Don Carter

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