OH God can I die now?
by Jeff Childers
Once upon a time there was this little boy who had to live thru things that little boys should never have to live through.
Then the boy grew up.
Once upon a time there was this little girl who had to live thru things that little girls should never have to live through.
Then she grew up.
On a glorious day that little girl married this sad little boy. All those bad experiences believed to be gone.
The little girl had 2 children before they married. He had 2 children from a previous marriage that he had custody of. They were blessed with a 5th. The boy's heart was scared but he loves his family to the point that it might be a character flaw.
The boy wasn't a fool. He thought the girls issues were caused from a lack of love. Yep that is all she needed but she emotionally locked down at the slight hint of conflict. She occasionally held her internalization for an explosion of anger. Then fall into silent crying. The little boy couldn't figure out how to connect. He was overwhelmed and couldn't understand these happenings.
Fast forward a few years the boy is still determined. He has changed himself in hopes of bring happiness to the little girl. He prays for strength and for understanding. Then the real pain began.
Over the next 6 months.
One morning before work my wife said she needed me to come bail her out of jail. She had embezzled 40,000 dollars. And it looked like she would be going to prison. Stunned I took her to county and went to get a bond. She promised she would help fix this get 2 jobs if needed just please don't leave. So I stayed.
Within a few months.
My son and her daughter had been experimented sexually. After a fight between the 2 kids accusations were made. Devastated but resolved, cps was brought in and the final determination was that there weren't any legal repercussions but I decide that moving my son to his mother's was an appropriate and prudent action. This was extremely difficult for me.
Child count 4.
That week my wife picked me up from work and said that she was moving our daughter to her mother's and our daughter wouldn't be home when we got there. I freaked out emotionally I felt a rage that I have never experienced before. I told her to pull the car over I had to get away. She said "no that I couldn't run away". I opened the door and stepped out... I was hurt severely and much of this is snippets of memory and it has been in the past few months that I remember the rage inside of me. If I hadn't stepped out I believe I would have killed her.
I know that makes me sound really disturbed. But the pain I and my mother suffered at the hands of my father made me very deterministic... I would kill myself before I ever hurt my wife or children like he did. I am sure that my intention wasn't to kill myself but I would seek any avenue to keep from being my father so I stepped out. I survived by a miracle so everyone said. I was put into the pavilion for a few days after my release from the hospital. But when I return home I stayed.
Child count 3.
2 weeks later my wife tells me to come to the parking lot. She said she hadn't been paying our mortgage and bills to the sum of 10,000 dollars and now we had no place to live. What little she could grab of our possessions was in the back of our van. But I stayed.
The next morning I was served papers that my x was suing me for custody. My wife had told my x several weeks ago we were getting evicted. But I stayed.
Child count 2.
We lived with my parents and then with my sister for 8 months. It seemed we couldn't get any traction to reestablishing our lives. And I stayed.
One morning I had a feeling something was wrong. I call my wife but she doesn't answer. I leave work and drive to my sister's where we were staying. The police was there arresting her. She had 40 hot checks and had not been paying her restitution. It was close to a month before I could get her out.
She over the past 5 years was spending 83 dollars a day and withdrawing on average of 360 dollars every 7 days. But I stayed.
Over the past year I discussed, argued, yelled, cried and begged for her to get a job. You see we were relying heavily on her child support to check to pay her restitution. Unfortunately over the 9 years of marriage her x had a hard time keeping a job.
I saw this as continuously on the brink of destruction. If that money didn't keep coming I would have to choose between putting my family on the street and her being in jail. This thought has hovered over me for almost a year. But I finally decided upon a plan. A plan that meant I had to lose. I had to sacrifice us for her sake.
I decided to tell her I was leaving. The possible outcome was she would get a job. She would let me leave. Her sensitivity would cause me to cave.
I sat her down one night and told her I was going to move out. She exploded then went to tears. I tried to explain how I needed her to get her life together again. More tears and guilt. The guilt drove me to numbness I said I would stay. So I stayed.
This past Monday, while at work, she emailed that she was gone. I know what I did was for the best. I have been enabling her for so long my happiness is a forgotten dream. She is so mad at me everything that has happened is my fault. In some ways there is truth in what she claims. Not the accusation but that I let some of this occur when I should have done something. The things that defined me before we married is remembered only by my friends.
Child count 0.
I know that I have done the right thing. But no matter what she says or does, I love that little girl. I want her to be happy. I fear I need her to be happy. I wish it was with me.
I fear I am emotionally broken this love I KNOW is strong but the feeling of love? nothing. The loneliness is very slight. Is something wrong with me? The importance I put on family I SHOULD be feeling something. Everything important to me is gone. God, why did you save me and why am I still here. I am not suicidal but I really need answers.
For those who have suffered thru this regurgitation and are living Thur this for your sake do something. Don't be me get yourself some help. When you are too close to a situation like this your objectivity may be skewed. Mine is. I am questioning everything about myself. My alarms are screaming that something is wrong but I can't see the fire.