No Guts!!

by Kay
(New Jersey, US)

I also have a 29 yr. old son who is not doing anything with his life; have always had trouble with him: very picky, stubborn as a baby; did not do well in school; only has a GED; has high IQ but no success in school, even with lots of tutoring; was diagnosed with seizure disorder at 9 yrs. of age; then with ADHD and then with Bi-Polar by the age of 19. Has had lots of speeding tickets, couple of DUI's, some stealing, smokes tobbaco and also smoked weed.

He is now trying to get off Oxycodone with Suboxone but not doing so well; stays up all night, sleeps all day; has big plans but no action; cannot keep a job for more than 4 months; at present has been out of work since Nov.09; lives at home.

His therapist wants him to go to in-patient rehab but he is not ready-- says he can do it on his own but goes to maybe one NarAnon meeting a week; is in mandatory outpatient treatment due to the DUI-- has been late and missed one of these so far.

I, the mother, take him everywhere, do almost everything for him: laundry, food, bought him a dog, pay for therapy, drive him to appointments, pay for his cigarettes, (but nothing else at this time). My husband is easy on him sometimes but since he works long hours and is not home much I have the most contact with our son, and therefore I am the main enabler, but HOW DO I FIND THE STRENGTH TO TAKE THE DRASTIC STEPS TO FIX IT?

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Nov 02, 2011
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Lead him to the front door NOW
by: Anonymous

How bout opening the front door and a kick in the butt out it...... Stop the enabling. Birds get the picture and other animals in nature- Give him everything in life so he doesnt have to, NO NO that isnt right- Open the front door and tell him you love him and now wish em well.....its ok to take control of your life- people will respect you, thats what is lost right now!!!!! wake up and get real.

Jul 22, 2010
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Do something NOW
by: Anonymous

Go to an Al-Anon meeting ASAP. Don't wait. And while fixing yourself will most likely be in "baby steps" as another posted, what you must do immediately is stop enabling your son. Give him the choice of rehab (must go TODAY), , move out (TODAY) , or stay but quit drugs and alcohol (and test him) and give him a deadline to get a job. That is giving him three choices....more than adequate! But do it immediately and stick to it....or you just might end up killing your son. And don't let the excuse of mental or emotional disorders stop you. First of all, there is no way of knowing if he really has some of those disorders or the drugs are causing those behaviors. My son has epilepsy, depression, learning disorders, cogntive dysfunction (he is a recovsering IV meth user)_....but I still have not helped him when he has relapsed since rehab, even though he was on the street for quite a while (shelters or sleeping in his car). In fact, he was on the street almost 2 years before he chose rehab. And he needed medication for his Depakote, but I did not know where he was after I kicked him out and could not get it to him. But what did it matter if he was on drugs that would cause seizures anyway, and he would not take it? Today he works a full time job and supports himself. If he could do it, so can your son.

Jun 03, 2010
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Alanon
by: Anonymous

I go to Alanon. It's a program for families of alcoholics. My son sounds exactly like yours.

I thought my enabling was loving but in Alanon I learned that my enabling behaviours were actually harming my son. With a support system I learned to stop enabling and low and behold my son started to get his life together when he saw that no one else was going to do it for him.

It was worse before it got better though, I wont pretty things up to much but the group Alanon supported me throughout.

Good luck, you and your son are worth it.

May 12, 2010
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LITTLE STEPS
by: Anonymous

Thank you Evan, I think slowly that is the way we are heading.. making small changes.

May 12, 2010
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Little Steps?
by: Evan

It's tricky to introduce changes to long-standing relationships.

First is to be clear about the 'benefit' you gain from the relationship.

As to changing the relationship; it may be possible to find little things to do for mutual benefit. This means finding what direction your son wishes to head in and what direction you want to head in. There may be an area of overlap.

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