New to healing

I am new to recognizing and healing my abandonment issues because i just realized what was going on with me. I am 43 years old and have always struggled and failed at all relationships. I have abandonment and sexual abuse history that I am ok with - just that I am not ok with this constant weight and feelings of failure and being lost. Everyone thinks I am so kept together and perfect from the outside but on the inside I am dying. I am ready to heal and understand myself. I understand that my parents did the best they could and I appreciate that. But I don't understand it. As a parent myself I would never let things happen to my children that happened to me. All of those things in my past have made me who I am today but I just want to understand myself better. I am a person who does not like relationships - especially for someone to love me. I hate it and run from those people immediately.

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Mar 25, 2012
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You realize it now...
by: Anonymous

Hi Cindy,
Thank you for your reply and I'm excited that there's someone with a similar story. What stuck out to me in your post was that you said you have given your children similar traits without even realizing it. Well it seems as if you do now so what are you doing different? One of my favorite sayings as of late is "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree". One of my children is so much like me it's scary. And his life has been somewhat normal with two parents who love him more than anything - granted we are divorced now but neither one of us ever stopped showing our love and compassion for either one of them and we work as a parenting team. So my son has just absorbed me feelings about relationships and boundaries. We all swear we are going to do different than our parents did but I never knew how hard that would be emotionally. Physically no problem! I protect tham and don't hurt them. I would love to know how to open myself up to love and then I could show my son. I would love to heal from past wounds - but sometimes think there are so many and that is why I am who I am so let it be. The more I learn about myself and how the mind copes and deals and develops it really fascinates me and I know that I can heal with some effort and probably alot of time. What was it that made you realize about the alcoholic traits you were passing along to your children?

Mar 25, 2012
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I could have written this!!
by: Cindy

While reading this I kept thinking WOW...I could have written this. It describes me to a "T". I to want to learn more about healing from such a past. I thought I was and had done such a wonderful job as a parent because my kids were not raised in an alcoholic home. Now...I'm learning that I have without realizing it passed on many of the same things to my children because I have alcoholic traits! That is devastating to me. My hope is that I can and will get healthier and pass THAT on to my children!

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