My twin and I were three years old.

by Karen
(Illinois)

Our mother left when we were three. I still don't have the whole story but at three, she was out of our lives. Dad kept us and our brother, who was 8 at the time, alone for about a year. He met a woman who had a 13 yr. old daughter and married her. I think he was looking for someone to help him take care of us kids. He worked all the time and she stayed home for awhile then she got a job too. My first memory of her was when I was about five. She told me that my own mother didn't care enough to take care of me and that she was the only one who would, so I'd better mind her. At that very moment it hit me that I was not good, that I was lucky to have someone, anyone, to take care of me. It stayed with me my whole life. It sat down in my soul that I was not good. My twin is today a drug addicted prostitute who lives from motel to motel and has been in prison seven times and county jail too many times to count. I have a drinking problem which sort of comes and goes, diagnosed manic depressive, married and divorced three times, have three children (each one a different father), 3 suicide attempts, at least 25 psych ward stays. Just a general very unstable life. I fall, I get up, I fall, I get up. So much therapy, so many self help books - and still at 53 yrs. old, I'm that same five year old little girl. I want to get to the bottom of this and heal myself. I'm tired of believing I am unworthy. I know, intellectually, that I am worthy of course. I know that because I can look at anyone else in this whole world and see that they are worthy. It's impossible that I'm the only one not worthy.
I have no idea how to begin this healing which is why I searched for and found this site.
I'm glad I found it and hope I get some new information about who and what I am and why.