my son is 25 and an addict


(indianapolis indiana US)

11 years ago my husband of 18 years, left me for a younger woman.
He left me the same day as 9/11 and never looked back. It was a nasty divorce and I had a lot of trouble dealing with the lies he told me. Our youngest son was 14 at the time. He was devasted because he thought his father "hung the moon."
My husband remarried shortly after the divorce and his new wife had their own son 5 months later. It was extremely traumatic for our son and other adult children, ages 30 and 28 at the time, but as expected our youngest took the brunt. His new wife had also been married during their affair and had 4 children of her own, one of which was at the same school and a class ahead of him in school.
My exhusband was always a pretty good father to the other two children and he did attend school functions for the youngest. However my son started using drugs and when I called his father and told him when there were different issues over the years, he either exploded in anger with my son, or brushed them off like I was exaggerating the problem. My ex also did drugs but I did not know it until after our separation. Many of our mutual friends came to me and told me that he also had a problem.
11 years later and my son is homeless, jobless, and still using. He does not live with me but did off and on until he was 22. The house sharing always ended with a negative episode of some kind. During those times, he sometimes held a job but usually they did not last more than a few months. He was let go from the job he held longest B for stealing. When he was 19 I did cosign for a car and it turned out to be a huge mistake. Since then he has had an apartment which I refused to cosign for and he ended up owing tons of money, of which I did not pay.
I will always love him and he knows that but I have tried everything and it is consuming my life and making me miserable.
When does a mom say enough is enough without feeling guilty.

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Mar 08, 2012
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When she accepts a few things...
by: Don

Mom's can say enough is enough without guilt when they reach a point in their own recovery (Alanon or Codependents Anonymous, etc) to accept a few things about addiction and the choices of their grown children:

1. Accept the Disease Concept of Addiction...it is not a bad parenting outcome, or because of peers, or a result of grief and depression. These things can all be part of the addiction and influence usage patterns, but they are NOT the cause - otherwise everyone who had these unfortunate issues would end up an addict.

2. Accept the three C's of Alanon: You didn't Cause it, You can't Control it, and You can't Cure it.

Addiction is primarily a genetic thing...we are all "wired" a bit differently. When we find something that really "does it" for us, we attach to that on an emotional level, like an imprint. Then we progressively love it, trust it, and protect it until we are defending it with everything we have - including mental defenses that prevent us from seeing that it is bad for us. (excuse making, minimizing, blaming, etc)

Mom's may be able to say enough is enough without guilt if they accept these things, but not without grief. Get help and support for it or it will make you just as sick as any other addiction.

Blessings & Prayers,
Don

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