My husband's fifty one and fifty two year old daughters still come to him for money

I am married to a man who has two daughters from a previous marriage. They are fifty-one and fifty-two years old. Both are divorced and each has a teen age daughter.

The problem is that every time they get into a financial bind they come to their father for money. They very seldom visit him unless they are begging for money. One just recently had a car wreck and the car was totaled but the insurance paid for the car but did not give her enough to purchase another car. My husband comes home and says that he has to go car shopping with her. I immediately asked why she could not go and get a car by herself since she is an adult. He stated that she did not know anything about buying a car. So it ended up with him giving her fifteen hundred dollars towards the purchase of a new car and he went with her to select the car.

This is money that she does not have to repay. As a matter of fact, whenever she is given money even if she asks for a loan, she does not have to pay back the money. I keep telling my husband that she will never learn to do things for herself or find solutions if he is always there giving her a helping financial hand. My husband has told me that I do not have any say so over what he does for his children.

The second problem is related to the first. My husband never appreciates what I do for him but his grown children can buy him a dollar T-shirt and you would think that they gave him the best present in the world. All of the presents that I give him are never used by him and he always complains that they are cheap or not of good quality. He never tells me that I look nice but the moment they come over begging he rants and raves telling them how pretty they are. Anything that they do, he thinks is great. Anything that I do is taken for granted.

Comments for My husband's fifty one and fifty two year old daughters still come to him for money

Average Rating starstarstarstarstar

Click here to add your own comments

Aug 17, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
I can't stop either
by: Anonymous

I am having the same problem. My daughter is 28 and living on her own except she is collecting ssi for a problem with her ear and depression. I am paying her rent. Have been for two years since moving in with my fiance. He is at his wit end. I work and am draining our bank account a little at a time with my daughters expenses. I cant stop. She keeps telling me how she is going to be in the street if I don't pay her rent and my fiance keeps telling me she should get a job. She has never worked a day in her life. She uses her depression as a crutch and I am going to lose my fiance. My daughter keeps telling me he is controlling and to leave him and move back in with her. I am so upset and dont know what to do.My fiance says I am a chronic enabler. Help!!

Jan 31, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
So True
by: adelphia

I agree with Angie,

He is showing you and himself so little self respect. It is time to stop allowing others to use you and your power. It is time for you to reclaim yourself and voice from your heart truly how you feel about what is going on.

Unfortunately children no matter how old will continue to return to parents for money until such time we say no more. I have done this with both my children. I as worried i would loose them because I was not giving what they wanted. Guess what I didn't loose them. I just stood up in my power and said No. Once you and your husband are able to do this for yourselves and each other your children's attitude will change. They may try emotional black mail but don't let them.

By saying no it is showing you that you have respect for yourselves and what you have worked for. You have not worked for them but for yourselves. There comes a time when we need to say no and allow our children to find their own path. We are here to love and guide them not live their lives for them. That is their responsibility as yours is to live your life for yourself.

Sending you unconditional love from the universe with strength for your journey

Adelphia

Jan 28, 2011
Rating
starstarstarstarstar
Husband is Fifty-one
by: Angie Carter

This situation reminds me of times when I have incorporated the use of the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

If you have shared with him how you feel about these situations, the disrespect you feel, and the lack of consideration about including you on financial decisions and he chooses not to address any of those issues, then there is not much you can do about it, except for decisions concerning yourself.

People cannot continually abuse and mistreat us unless we allow it, (unless you are truly in a situation you CANNOT get out of and are a true victim). It is up to us to set the boundary of what is acceptable and what is unacceptable to us as far as how people treat us. We really do 'teach' people how to treat us. If they continually treat us in a way that is unacceptable then it is up to us to do something about that. The boundary is for you...not for the other person (ie. trying to get them to change).

I hope that as times goes by the more you gain strength to send clear, concise and direct messages of what you will or will not allow. People will be who they want to be. We really don't have any power over them to make them be who we think they should be. Good luck to you and let us know how you are doing.

Click here to add your own comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Enabling Behavior Discussion Forum.