My Heart is Breaking

by Cindy
(Nashville)

My 24 yr old son (stepson actually) brought in the new year with a car crash, dui, and dislocated hip. He had no insurance, was driving an unregistered car but thankfully didn't hurt anyone.

My husband and I have finally drawn the line and said "we will no longer enable or help you" after years of helping clean up his messes, making excuses for him, or avoiding the problem. He can't believe that we have "disowned" him (his words) and the guilt is killing me. Please tell me that we are doing the right thing!!!

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Jan 11, 2010
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Keep coming back...
by: Don Carter

You're very welcome Cindy... I'm very happy to hear that you are joining in on recovery so wholeheartedly! You won't be sorry.

One good commitment to make about Alanon is to go to at least six CONSECUTIVE meetings in order to give it a fair try. If you miss one of those six then start over. :)

And please keep coming back here to share your journey with us! You will be passing on a very valuable gift.

All my best,
Don

Jan 11, 2010
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Trusting in Recovery
by: Cindy

Thanks Don for your comments. I checked out the website you recommended and plan to get the book.

Acknowledging that I can't be "in relationship" with my son the way I have been in the past is hard. Even though interactions often were disruptive, painful and drama-filled, there was a connection that fed both of us. I want so badly to connect with him again but know that he has to begin to feel the consequences of his poor choices and begin to own responsibility for the problems in his life.

My husband, teen-age son and I are checking out an Alanon meeting this week. A full blown family intervention may come next. I trust that God has incredible plans for my son and I trust that God wants us all to be healthy, whole and living meaningful and rich lives. His will for us is good -- the rest is up to us!!! The work begins . . .

Jan 08, 2010
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This is Tough!
by: Don Carter

Hi Cindy,

There is a lot to consider when pulling out of an enabling relationship. In fact, too much to write about here.

I want you to have this forum as a resource to come to when you have questions. But I also want you to have ALL of the other information that you need when making these kinds of moves.

Below is a website for the author of the book "Love First". His name is Jeff Jay and his book is about Family Intervention. Jeff has taken the classic process of "tough" intervention and made it more loving and effective.

http://lovefirst.net/index.htm (copy & paste to your browser's address bar)

The book has everything you need to know -- BUT the doing of it may require support such as Alanon and/or professionals trained in Addiction and Codependency Intervention.

Read the book first...there is a section in it on how to know when and if you need to seek professional help.

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