Mom is tired of helping everyone

by Terry
(CA)

NEED HELP IN SAYING ENOUGH!

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Dec 01, 2010
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i'm not helping i'm enabling
by: Anonymous

I have been enabling my 28 year old daughter for 5 years. I help with rent, utility bills, all things relating to her daughter. I even paid for her phone. I am the guiltiest of the guiltiest. Neither she nor her husband keep a job for more than a week. Lately aren't even trying. I am sure there is a drug problem.

I finally turned off their phones because they were doing drug deals on it. We have a sick, codependent relationship, which I finally put an end to two weeks ago when they stole from me. I still continue to see my four year old granddaughter, to assure she is all right. If they try to use her to get things, I promise it won't work.

What will happen to them? I hope this will make them move on, although he has an enabling family as well. I just couldn't continue. I hope for the best for them. I miss my daughter. She won't speak to me because I cut her off.
But I've gotten some help to stay firm. I have to keep reminding myself that my enabling has made her worse.

I don't understand how this has happened, my sweet little girl is a monster. I love who she was, and who she could be, but my feelings now, after working through the anger, are sadness. Are there others like me out there? At least my family is behind me. All they said was: Finally you're allowing her to learn to take care of herself.

Oct 23, 2010
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New Posts
by: Don

Hi Labrador13,

I want you to have the best chance to be heard and start a conversation about this so I am going to suggest that you re-post this as a new topic so others will see it when they go down the list...

When you comment on an existing post it can get lost in the shuffle because it doesn't show up on the listing of topics.

To make an original post copy the link below and paste it in your browser address bar. It will take you directly to the place to make a new post.

http://www.internet-of-the-mind.com/enabling_behavior.html#forum

(You can go to your existing post to copy and paste it into the text area rather than re-write it)

God Bless and keep coming back!
Don

Oct 12, 2010
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I don't know if I'm helping or enabling
by: labrador13

I was married to my 2nd husband for almost 34 years. He wanted to be "needed." I never felt that I made him happy or could need him enough. We had two children. He adopted my son from a previous relationship after we got married, and 5 years into the marriage, we had a daughter between us. My husband was always easily angered or upset ('Nam vet, probable PTSD). My daughter "L" and I learned to be careful. Never felt I was a good mother to my kids - I drink a lot.

After a troubled adolescence, including drug rehab, "L" finally got a good job and married a lovely man in 2007. Three months later, she developed a horrible mix of spinal and nerve issues that left her unable to work, leaving her husband to row a 2-man boat with only 1 oar. I am helping them a lot financially, despite being unemployed myself. She's on heavy medication, all duly prescribed by a neurologist, and his diagnosis is supported by MRI's, etc. RX's include Lyrica and strong meds, that leave her mentally muddled.

Her dad and I are trying to coordinate helping her financially. Last week, she weaned off one of her pain meds because (1) she was scared of addiction, and (2) they can't afford it. (COBRA long gone.) I saw her every day. One day, she was borderline suicidal, and I was scared to death. Today, I charged $400 on a credit card, so that she could get in to see her doctor, and got her doctor to authorize a 2-week prescription of Lyrica to get her through until she can see her doctor.

I feel she is drowning in depression, desperation, sadness and pain. I also feel that her father and I (he is paying for the Lyrica) are drowning - we are doing no more than sticking our fingers in the dike and staving off the deluge. She's gotten what I understand to be state of the art treatment, but it has only taken the edge off her pain.

I fear that I am enabling her, but I don't know what else I can do. She's my child, I love her, and I can't abandon her. She's 32. She should have a life. I'm 62. I should have one too. I don't know if I'm enabling her or not, but an alarm has been sounding in my head. Does anyone have anything to say? I would (I think) appreciate a conversation.

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