Lost

by Ken
(Havertown, PA)

I have known for a couple of years that I have abandonment issues. But I did not realize the full extent. I'm not sure exactly how all of my stuff fits though.

When I was somewhere around 18 months old, I had a major traumatic event caused by my alcoholic father- I was thrown down the cellar steps. As a result of this, I was put in a foster home while the incident was investigated. When I was 4 and 4 months, I an my 5 brothers and sisters were placed in foster homes. After 3 months, I was moved to another foster home, where I stayed until i was 11.

When I moved home, I had 2 older brothers who drank and used drugs and were physically abusive, and my mother was often not there. When she was there, she couldn't do anything- I was on my own. Of the youngest 4 children, i was the only one who finished high school. I remember, at the age of 13 or 14, wandering around and wondering to myself why my brothers disliked me so much.

Now: I place way too much emphasis on my relationship with my significant other. I make accommodations to them all the time. I hesitate to say things, and I don't really think or talk about my needs- I don't entirely know what they are. When people who are not my significant other are not around, they are not in my head, unless some random trigger reminds me of them.

I met a woman, who I fell in love with. She has been creating more and more distance from me- in part as a result of my intense focus on the relationship, and on her. I need to fix this, but I don't know how.

One other thing that I've relaized...i was taken out of the home at a time when infants usually create internal replicas of the people who matter to them. My internal replica of my significant other is extremely weak- If we are separate for 5 days, my trust and comfort reduces significantly over that time; I specualte that the internal replica gets worn down.

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